Too busy to breathe

Life just keeps going at an incredible pace. The year is nearly over and I can't believe it. We've been back in TN for almost a year. So much has happened, so much is going on.

My baby continues to try her wings and is learning new things. Now she is actually showering and shampooing that long, curly hair, all by herself. I thought that day would never come but here it is. Every time she steps from the shower a little emotion tugs at my heart - another step into her ever growing independence. She is a beautiful girl, is getting tall and her sense of humor continues to thrill me. She can take it and she can certainly dish it out as well.

She's halfway through second grade. I watched her at her Christmas play and party. She amazes me. Her ability to learn and retain new things. Her knowledge. Yes, this is a night of thinking about Leah and how amazed and proud I am of her. We are close and I love the relationship we continue to develop everyday.

I talk about the changes in Leah and I have changed just as much. Not in physical growth but in my personal life skills. I feel hopeful again, my dreams are back, my goals have resurfaced. A little different than they were before but more concrete. Before I kind of had a vague idea that I wanted something different, something more. Now I know what that is and I'm making a game plan to achieve what I want. I've been doing research, learning new skills, talking to people who have done what I want to do. Positive steps forward. I've never been this organized before or as goal oriented. Good things. I'm sure I'll elaborate more but tonight I just needed to set down somewhere concrete that things are happening. A far cry from last year at this time. I'm happy and content and it feels so wonderful to be able to say that and mean it!

I close with this prayer from Juliana of Norwich, a 14th century mystic:

All shall
be well,
and all shall
be well,
and all manner
of thing
shall be well.

dame julian of norwich - 14th century - mystic

Expections . . .

I have heard throughout my life the phrase, "Expect the unexpected." This last month has been a test of living that out. I don't do well with chaos - I never have and I never will. This last month has been a test of living that out as well. My beautiful, smart, and confident daughter started second grade and has done a three sixty. She comes home tired, grumpy, anxious, and distracted. Her self esteem has bottomed out and she feels like she is a "bad" student. Her normal cheerful, happy-go-lucky ways have been replaced with edginess and bouts of tears. Second grade. I had heard it was a hard year but I never expected this. I'm attempting to stay in close contact with her teacher so between the two of us we can figure out what is really going on and what we can do to help her. I miss her. I want my daughter back. But I try very hard not to let her know that. I don't want to make matters worse for her.

I have a new position at work and now have essentially three bosses. The two new ones are wonderful and we work well together. My original one? Well, he is having a hard time with the adjustment of having to "share" me. He has consistently bitten my head off at least weekly in the last month. Not about my work performance but by his feeling that I'm not protecting him from the rest of the staff. He has the image of being very scattered and now he is holding me accountable for that image and I am supposed to somehow change how he is perceived by everyone else. I am to be the "buffer" between him and the congregation and the rest of the staff. He even said I was to view myself as his personal Joan of Arc. May I see a copy of my job description please?? I don't recall that being part of it. Last week he literally got in my face and accused me of "throwing him under the bus" in front of a couple who were there to meet with him and he kept them waiting for twenty minutes. Expect the unexpected.

Last Thursday I started to not feel well. My symptoms were weird. I went in to the office late, thinking that if I allowed myself some time to rest, I'd feel better. Friday I didn't even make it in to the office I felt so bad. Saturday I could hardly get out of bed due to very stiff and sore joints. To just open and close my hands was extremely painful as was walking. By Sunday I was experiencing irregular heart beats. That always helps the fear level go several octaves higher for me. Sunday afternoon Leah looks at me and starts asking, "Mommy, if you die, the way I get to Miss Kathy's is I go out the apartment door, turn left, follow the street until the end of the fence and then what?? I'm not sure I'll know what to do if you die." My God, I never thought about those things when I was seven. Yet, I didn't lose my father suddenly at the age of four. I reassured her that I was almost certain I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but I won't tell her that I definitely won't because she specifically asked Ray if he was going to die soon the day he did die. He told her he wasn't going to die for a long time and she kissed him goodnight like always and he died twenty minutes later. Leah and I both learned at that moment that you never know for certain. Yet I don't want her to worry. But I do. Worry, that is. I feel such a responsibility to that little girl. I'm constantly asking God to please let me live long enough to see her grown and on her own. She doesn't deserve to lose both parents during her childhood.

So, as a way to help ease my own fears, I'm going to get checked out. Even though I am 98% sure I had a virus and my irregular heart beats are brought on by stress (I've had them before and that was the cause) I want to make sure. I want to be proactive. If I have a problem, fix it. Taking care of myself has always been a struggle for me. I'll take care of everyone else but not myself. It's hard to unlearn that but I'm trying. I just can't live the next 15 years of my life in fear of dying before she is grown. I've got to come to terms with what I can control and what I can't control. This is an area that truly tests my faith. Just when you think you have it all figured out, all tied up in a neat little box, expect the unexpected.

I'll admit, I've shed a lot of tears in this last month and have felt so alone that I've felt like I was either going to die or go crazy. Neither one is an option. Two weeks ago I was praying about this on my way to work. I was missing Ray so much. I needed him to help me sort out the problems Leah is having and my boss problems. I told God that I had never felt so alone and that I needed him to help me with that - to give me something tangible. No sooner had I uttered those words when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw six UPS trucks behind me. Three directly behind me in my lane and three in the right hand lane. I literally did a double take. UPS trucks always make me think of Ray as he worked for them for over 21 years. All I could think was that I was almost surrounded by UPS trucks. I came up to the light and stopped and when I looked to my left, there were two more UPS trucks in the turn lane, waiting to turn. I looked to my right and there was one more UPS truck in that lane, waiting to turn. I literally was surrounded by UPS trucks - nine of them! The only place I have ever seen 9 UPS trucks at one time has been at one of their hubs. God could not have used anything more symbolic or more tangible to remind me that I am definitely not alone. I have shared this story with many and everyone is totally blown away like I was. What a gift that was for me. Expect the unexpected.

I'm usually filled with faith, optimism, and courage but lately that has been hard for me to come by. I know to keep riding the wave, to continue to hold on. Life can turn on a dime - I know that all too well.

It's all good

It has been a good day. I've been surrounded by good friends, good co-workers, nice people, an adorable daughter and two cute puppies. I've had stimulating work to do that kept me busy and made me feel productive and like I was contributing something good to others. I had good lunch company and great conversation. I came home tonight and was lucky enough to converse with some wonderful neighbors and then I spent a half an hour talking to a close friend on the telephone. I even got flowers at work today - how cool is that?? Leah and I curled up together and talked about her day and her fears about starting second grade. Having that time with her is worth everything to me. Having a close relationship with her is something that I cherish. I'm grateful for where I am right now. I'm in a good place all the way around; emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week. One that, for some reason, I have to relearn from time to time. Ray always told me that I had amazing instincts and that he would trust my gut feelings any day over anything else. I've had a "gut" feeling about someone in my life for awhile now but started to second guess myself this week. I've always believed that to truly know someone you should watch what they do and not necessarily listen to what they say. So, this week I sat back and just observed how this person acted. In no way did it match up to what he said. I really wanted to believe what he said because it was what I wanted but after observing his actions (or lack of them) I realized that my instincts were true. I realized that if this person really loved me as he has said that he does, his actions would be way different. I'm glad I've finally realized the truth (by his actions, not his words) because now I am able to move on. It has been very liberating for me. I now know that this person is not the right one for me (I've known it in my head for awhile, it has just taken my heart some time to catch up) and I look forward to meeting the one who is right for me. It scares me to think that I was so close to settling for someone who would bring me down instead of bringing out the best in me. Someone who wanted to change me to be what he wanted and not accept who I am. I almost compromised my faith for this person. I'm so glad that I didn't.

I've got work to do so I'll sign off for now.

More Life Lessons

OK, I am learning so much about myself. This week I learned:

I should never have possession of the remote control after midnight when my credit cards are close by. Yes, I bought a hair straightener for Leah that was over $100. After some sleep and buyers remorse my only thoughts are it better do the job they promised it would. It does have a 30 day guarantee . . .

I am like my father in the sense that if a little is good a lot is better. I over did it with the exercising and could barely get out of bed this morning. I have to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day nor will I get buff in a day (or in this lifetime for that matter!)

I'm still good at hopscotch. My daughter challenged me to a game earlier this week and we both were amazed that I was actually able to hop and bend over at relatively the same time!

I have definitely become more mechanically inclined. I not only fixed a laptop that belonged to my boss (oh yeah, I earned some brownie points!) and I put together a pre-fab bookcase. That may not sound like a lot to you, but for me it is definitely big steps in the right direction!

All joking aside, it has been a busy week. I started my new position today in Connectional Ministries and I can tell that I'm going to like it. I also scheduled my final national exam for the last web design class. I scored a 100% on all of my exams and my final, so I feel confident that I'll do well on the national exam. After that, I'm not sure where I'll go class wise. It is going to be harder now that I'm working full time but I still have flexibility that will allow me to continue. I just don't know what direction I want to go in. I probably need to talk to my instructor.

I'm feeling more settled here. I love my job, I love my apartment, I love Leah's school and I'm making new friends. I'm so glad I decided to move back. Florida just wasn't the place for me. Leah seems happy too. I'm lucky that she is still young enough that as long as she is with me, she'll be happy.

It's late, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be another busy day. We plan on hitting the farmer's market early and the apartment really needs a good cleaning not to mention the mounds of dirty clothes that need to be laundered. Add to that studying and the work that I brought home to do and I'll definitely be busy.

Just Checking In . . .

I can't sleep so thought I'd catch up on my blog a little bit. It has been a very hectic couple of weeks. This past weekend Leah and I went to Beersheba Springs, to the United Methodist Assembly for the TN Conference Family Retreat. We had a great time and it proved to be very relaxing. It felt wonderful to get away from the normal grind. Leah loved it because she made new friends and had a level of freedom there that she can't have at home. There, we are up in the mountains and are surrounded by families so the kids are able to run free and play on the playground, in the game room, go sit together in the dining hall for meals, etc... It was wonderful to have our meals cooked for us. I enjoyed the evening vespers at the outdoor worship area. The view from the overlook to the valley below is absolutely breathtaking. I rode with my friend Kathy and that made it even better as we had a chance to talk.

Today has been bittersweet. Our senior minister died early this morning. I didn't know him very well as I've only been working at the church for three months, but he was well loved by his congregation. At 9:30 this morning the staff all gathered in the small chapel and sang a few hymns and prayed together. We were encouraged to share stories about him and there were some funny stories shared. The feeling was grief at his passing but celebration that he is finally free of pain. On the upside, I was offered more responsibility with a significant pay raise. Can you say excited???!!!??? I'm thrilled. I love working at this church. The flexibility they offer me is so vital since I'm an only parent. They are understanding about the times I need to flex my schedule to be with Leah. That means a lot right now. I'll do my web design on the side, building up my experience and portfolio.

I can't believe that Leah starts back to school in just three short weeks. This summer has flown by! I think overall it has been a good one for her. She has certainly done a lot of different things, taken a lot of field trips and made new friends.

The puppies are still getting into trouble on a daily basis. Last week our next door neighbors asked us to come over and visit for a bit as they were moving the next day back to New York. I usually put the dogs in their kennels when I leave the apartment but this time I didn't as I knew I wouldn't be gone for very long. When we walked back into the apartment Leah said, "oh no!" She bent down and handed me my Blackberry. I had left it on the table and the older dog can jump on the furniture and help himself to whatever is there. This is the second time they have gotten my phone and this time the teeth marks are everywhere. They even cracked the screen. The case was in shreds. As Leah handed it to me it rang - at least I knew it still worked - and it was Kathy, asking if I had just called her. I told her no and she said, "Yes you did, your number came up. All I could hear was movement and breathing and then a hang up." I couldn't help but laugh because obviously in their chewing frenzy, the dogs had hit the call button and she was the last person I had called so her number was up. She was afraid that I had gone into a diabetic coma or something and that Leah didn't know what to say so she hung up. We did have a good laugh when we realized it had been the dogs who called.

As I was packing to leave on the retreat Friday Oreo came out of the bedroom with my bottle of Tums in his mouth. When he saw me coming towards him he turned back around and ran under my bed. I pulled him out by his tail but he left the Tums under the bed. I didn't think I would ever reach them but I did. The lid was off and I couldn't tell if they had eaten any of them or not. I was so ticked that my first thought was that if they die, they die. Then I thought about Leah. I picked them both up and smelled their breath - no scent of Tums, just bad doggie breath.

Not being a morning person, mornings around here are not fun. As usual, this morning I was running late. I was attempting to slip on my shoes as I was running for the door, picking up my purse, keys and cell phone all at the same time. You can imagine my shock and disgust when I realized that Lilly, the four month old, had pooped in my shoe. Leah started to giggle until she looked at my face. Then she started in on her litany of "they're just puppies Mommy." They lived for another day, anyway.

So, that's been life around my crazy house. Each day holds it own surprises; some good and some, well, some I'd rather not experience i.e. dog poop. I need to try and get some sleep as that alarm sounds very early in the morning.

Blaa, Blaa, Blaa

My wonderful mood continues. Leah was sick all weekend. I knew she felt bad when Saturday after running two errands she said she just wanted to go home and put her pajamas back on. She did and so began the long weekend of staying in. I finally figured out that her allergies were acting up so I got her singular refilled and by yesterday evening she was up dancing and bouncing off the walls like normal. I hate it when she is sick. I felt terrible that I let her singular run out. I just hate for her to continue taking meds if she really doesn't need them. I could tell by the dramatic difference in her that she did need this.

My internet at home has been out all weekend. Comcast is having problems and I hope that they get it fixed soon. I didn't realize how accustomed I was to being on the internet all the time. So, I'm at Panera today, getting my fix; checking my emails, blogging, etc... To add to it, my Blackberry started acting up this morning after I took Leah to MAC. I couldn't retrieve my voice mail. I stopped by the store and they helped me get it all back on line. Just goes to confirm to me that when your attitude is crappy, things around you start breaking down in one way or another. It is at times like this that I'm glad my present job has flexibility. "Working at home" is totally acceptable and even expected at times. It has been ages since I've felt like this. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. My brother called twice this weekend - I ignored the calls. I don't want to talk. At least I've learned that these feelings don't last forever - they will probably pass in a few days. I need to find something to look forward to. My days have been work, school and home and I haven't done anything I really enjoy in a long time. At home it is constantly picking up after Leah and cleaning up after the puppies. At work it is constantly putting out fires. No wonder I'm tired. I feel like I can never get ahead. There is always laundry, dirty dishes, meals to worry about, dog poop somewhere that needs to be cleaned up. Have I whined enough yet???

Anyway, I now officially have a waiting list for designing websites. I can work on them all at the same time but I've had to be honest and tell the latest two who have asked that I have someone in front of them. And the wonderful thing? Two of the three are actual paying customers! I'm thrilled to be getting the experience and adding to my online portfolio. Changing careers is somewhat of a stressful thing but it will be so worth it once I find an actual paying job in my new field.

I guess I need to go to the office for a few hours today. There are things there that need to be done. This is snappy pants signing off for now.

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back. . .

This has been a different sort of week. It has been busy, up and down emotionally, and exhausting. The past has been colliding with the present bringing with it comfort and longing. When I got out of the car this morning I was greeted with the sound of lawn mowers and that wonderful scent of freshly mowed grass.Immediately I was transported back to the little town in Kentucky we lived in when I was a teen. I normally move on with my day but since I didn't have anything to distract me I thought about childhood friends, things I used to do, the music that I listened to for hours on end. I thought about my parents . . . I find it hard to believe that dad died 18 years ago next month and that mom died over 7 years ago now. Most days that just feels like another lifetime to me.

Somehow I got an infected nail bed on my right middle finger, causing a lot of pain and finally made me go see my doctor. Medication was prescribed with the warning to watch it carefully because if the infection got to the bone they may have to remove my finger. As I lay in bed Wednesday night, unable to sleep because of the throbbing pain, I felt the loneliness of being on my own. I missed the way Ray always babied me whenever anything was wrong. I tried to think about what he would probably say and for the first time since his death, I couldn't remember the sound of his voice. That has haunted me for the rest of the week because I still can't remember. And I desperately want to remember. When I finally got to sleep it was a restless sleep. Around 4:00 a.m. I woke up with a start, feeling very funny. It took me a minute to realize that I was having an insulin reaction. As I walked to the kitchen on very unsteady legs and attempted to cut myself some cheese slices with shaking hands, again I felt the emptiness that his not being here has left with me. He always woke up before I did when I was having a low during the night and would wake me up. He'd fix whatever I needed and we would sit and talk while we waited to make sure that I had treated it sufficiently. My thoughts have traveled back to the early days of our marriage, how exciting it was and how broke we were. Then in later years dealing with the infertility and the disappointment that brought. Then the period of time when we decided to hell with it and we concentrated on building a life for the two of us and ourselves individually. We both went back to school and we did a lot of things that we had been putting off in the attempt to have a family. The phone call I got from him while he was in Nashville on yet another business trip, telling me that he was being transferred from New Orleans to Nashville - a transfer we had prayed for a long time to happen. The time just seemed to fly by. I've wondered all week about where did the years go? Now I'm on a different path - single, raising the daughter that we waited for so long. Some days I feel strong and thankful that we're doing so well. Other days it hits again like a ton of bricks that he is gone and he's not coming back. It's at those times that I find I have a hard time breathing. How can you miss someone so damn much and still keep going? This has been a lonely week. I have felt the loneliness acutely since Leah's birthday. So, this week I have tried to stay busy. I threw myself into work and got a lot of things done. I studied and took 3 unit exams today and made a 100% on all three of them. The usual is 1 unit exam per week. Now I'm studying for my final and then will sit for the vendor exam. This will complete my web design/development courses and certifications. I'm not sure what I'll take next. I can take as many classes as I can fit in during the next nine months.

This entire week I have felt the longing to connect with something from my past. Someone or something that would help me to remember who I am. Someone who cares how my day went. I never realized how great the need is to have someone who truly knows us and loves us - just as we are. I was very fortunate as Ray was one who did that very well. Perfect he wasn't - in fact he could drive me up the wall and did on many occasion - but he was there for me. I miss that. I miss him.

OK, it is obviously after midnight as I only bare my soul after that bewitching hour. Writing it out helps me to sort it out and deal with it. This blog is my therapy. Every time I write an entry like this one I'm saving myself $110 an hour. I know because I've knelt at the altar of psychotherapy. I don't regret it but I'm glad that writing it out is just as therapeutic for me.

I'm going to do something fun this weekend.

Wednesday

Leah and I have had such a busy week. We actually got home before 8:00 tonight and we both agreed that there is no place like home. The dogs are glad to be out of their kennels and are running around chasing each other and Leah is on the couch playing with her dolls and watching TV. I've got a load of clothes in the washer and am glad to not have to really think about anything for a moment.

Today at work was a late day. The church is starting a Hispanic ministry and our team had a meeting late this afternoon. I actually had to leave before the meeting was over so I could get to MAC in time to pick up Leah. There is so much to be done but I find it very exciting to see a new community form where there once wasn't one. The passion of those who have been involved in getting this started is incredible and very moving to witness. It is at times like this that I am reminded why I love working with the church. To see lives transformed is one of the most gratifying things to witness.

I took a week off from studying and now I am finding it hard to get back into the momentum that I had going. I have to go on campus this Friday and take at least one unit exam. I'd like to think that I could be ready for two of them but I'm not sure that I will be. I've got to catch back up. Once I get this third class finished I'll feel much better.

As much as I want to write more, I'm pooped and still have four chapters to read before I go on campus Friday. Maybe I'll have more energy and more to write about tomorrow.

My New Mantra

I have a new mantra . . . "I love my dogs, I love my dogs, I love my dogs." Not so this morning. The older one, Oreo, can get on the bed and evidently he did that while I was in the shower this morning. How do I know this? Because I couldn't find my glasses and I knew I had left them on my bedside table. I've long been out of contacts and my eye doctor won't prescribe more until I come in for an eye exam therefore I am very dependent on my glasses. I asked Leah to come in and look under my bed - the grave yard for all things both of the dogs can get in their mouths. If I run out of panties, I look under the bed. Well, my glasses were under there and so was my ipod. The glasses suffered minor damage (thank goodness!) but my ipod case was in shreds and my marshmallow headphones ($20) were even worse. I try to remember to keep things put up and I usually keep my bedroom door closed. Leah, with those big brown eyes looking up at me, reminded me that "Mommy, they're just puppies." Lucky dogs. They both owe her big time.

We've been so busy. Leah turned seven on Monday and we had a little party/picnic for her at the park. She loved it. She also loves being seven. As I tucked her in bed Monday night after all the festivities, she looked at me and said, "I'm almost eight now!" Lord help me.

My sister was here over the weekend and it was a usual visit with her. I've learned to stay detached but I still feel out of balance when she leaves. As usual she had her little comments about my conservative lifestyle. She's a very liberal lesbian and I wonder if she feels like she has to put down my lifestyle. Whatever, I'm always exhausted when she leaves. Christmas wasn't that way but I think that is because her partner kept her in check. I think her partner is more comfortable with who she is and therefore doesn't feel the need to cut others down.

I've been feeling so totally out of shape lately that I decided to work with a personal trainer again. Tonight was the first night and she really worked me. I know my arms are going to be sore tomorrow. She's good though and very encouraging. I feel so much better having worked out today - it amazes me that I ever stopped. Leah and I are participating in a fitness and nutrition class. We are learning a lot and I wanted to reinforce it for her. I know the best way to do that is to do it myself so that is what I'm doing. She is in a walking club this summer and did a 3-1/2 mile hike. She also just joined a jump rope club and has her own workout routine with other kids her age. I found out tonight that my personal trainer has done a lot of research and work with childhood obesity so she had a lot of good information for me.

Not much else is going on. I'm working on my website design portfolio so I can start looking for a job in the field soon. I want to finish this last class I'm in. After that I'll take other classes that will enhance what I've already taken. I'm nervous about making a total career change but I think I'll like it once I get in a job. I have definitely pushed the envelope in getting out of my comfort zone in the last 2-1/2 years. I've done and am doing things that I never thought that I would or could. Sometimes I look back and wonder where that other person who used to be me has gone. I know if Ray were here he'd be cheering me on . . . he always encouraged me to keep growing and to keep setting new goals. I've definitely done that.

Time to get back to studying. Happy 4th!

Alone Time

The puppies are asleep and Leah is finally asleep so this is my time. I just finished an excellent book that centered around the lives of a group of Navy Seals and their families. Excellent, suspenseful reading. I can't believe I actually fit in a book for pleasure between work and studying all the time. It was a nice change of pace and a good escape for a little while.

I finished my second course in three weeks instead of five and am scheduled to take the vendor exam this Wednesday. I can't believe I'm actually doing it. Last time I bombed out big time but this time I'm doing great. I'm so excited at the prospect of actually getting a job that makes a little money. After my year of moves, it will be nice to build my savings back up.

I really am trying to become a morning person but I'm just not sure I'll ever succeed. Ray always had to sleep by the alarm because I have this uncanny ability to either turn it off in my sleep or I just don't hear it, period. When Ray was alive I can remember the five times I was awake to hear it go off in 25 years of marriage, he would turn it right off and get right up. Not me. It is as though my butt is glued to that bed and it takes a miracle to finally get it loose so I can get up. I can fall back asleep on the toilet and stay there for an hour - without falling off. It never ceases to amaze me. This morning was no exception - it was one of those rush, rush, rush mornings. Leah is like me, not a morning person. By the time I get her butt unglued and she finds something she'll wear (that's another blog entry by itself) and she gets her hair brushed (another blog entry) and she looks in the mirror for ten minutes (another blog entry) and begs to use some of my makeup etc.... I am exhausted. Of course the dogs have to be walked, I have to shower, I insist that Leah eat something . . . I nix the chocolate chip cookies so that can also be a battle. This morning I was so distracted - "Mama, I can't find any panties . . . " "Did you look in your drawer?" . . . . "No . . . . " "Mama, I can't find my hair brush . . . " Did you look in your bathroom? . . . " "No . . . " The puppies don't help. They steal my socks (and other under clothes that just happen to be on the bed next to me) and run under the bed with them. They get under my feet and I'm tripping over them. Needless to say I got dressed in a hurry this morning and unlike my daughter, I didn't even glance in the mirror once I got my makeup on. I was doing at least three things while I was attempting to button my blouse. I got to work and worked at my desk for an hour then did my rounds to the finance office on the fourth floor, to see my boss on the third floor, check my mailbox on the first floor then swung by the central office to check on the registration cards on my way back to the bathroom and my office. While I washed my hands I noticed that something didn't look quite right. Upon closer inspection I saw that in my haste I had only fastened one hook on my bra that hooks in the front. Yes, I was wearing a white blouse, no I wasn't wearing a camisole and yes I had flashed a bunch of cleavage all around the church. I know I'm new but I sure wish one of the women had pulled me aside and said something like "uh . . . you need to hook your bra." How I didn't feel it, I'll never know. I tried to look on the bright side . . . my co-workers now know I don't stuff my bra and it's obvious I haven't had surgery . . . just in case anyone was wondering.

So, that's my saga for the day. I need to think about heading to bed as I've got an early day tomorrow. It will be a busy one too. I'm glad to be busy. I like my new office and all the new office furniture. There is also a window that overlooks the playground so I can watch the little ones when they go outside. This week is Vacation Bible School so I'm sure I'll have some wild tale about that by the end of the week.

Exhausted = Me

It's been a long time since I've had a week where I have felt as bad as I do. I finally broke down and called my doctor's office and have an appointment for 10:45 tomorrow morning. I'll have to leave work and miss staff meeting and the luncheon for the outgoing senior pastor but . . . . oh well. My blood sugars have been very high - bouncing between 300 and 600 - I've had a sinus thing going on and I've been dizzy, light headed and grumpy. I've been injecting straight regular insulin along with my 70/30 mix just to help get the numbers down. I've been afraid to eat so I think I must have a sinus infection that is causing the rise. That and the fact I've not been sleeping much because I've been studying until the wee hours of the morning for the past two months. Now that I've whined, I'll move on to other things.

Leah went swimming today with her holiday MAC group and had a wonderful time. I'm so glad. Yesterday a magician visited and she was all pumped up about that. Tomorrow they have a field trip to some place I've never heard of; all I know is they have to wear socks. She is having a good summer and that makes me happy.

Tomorrow afternoon I have to move my office downstairs. It will be weird and I'll miss everyone that I've gotten to know on the 3rd floor. I'll especially miss Sally, my office mate, as she has been the best. Today we all went out to lunch to celebrate her birthday. I was so good - I had a whole wheat grilled chicken wrap, fruit, and a bottle of water. Everyone else had burgers or grilled sandwiches and iced tea. I was proud of myself. I know I'm going to like my new office once I get moved in. I'll actually have a window! The new furniture is very nice.

My classes continue to go well. Last Friday I was so exhausted that I honestly didn't think I had the strength to drive there. I fought with myself to the halfway point - it was raining and the thought of going home and crawling under the covers was so enticing . . . Once I passed the half way point I made myself go on and get there. I took my unit exam and scored 100%. I've scored a 100% on every unit exam that I've taken. I then went to the lab, did a little bit of work and then decided what the heck - I'd take the next unit exam. These exams are proctored, so my instructor set it up for me. I was shocked when I scored 100% on this exam as well. When I walked out the door I was so glad I had pushed myself to go. Now I'm a week ahead on my class. I had visions of taking the last unit exam and the final this Friday but I've fallen behind on my studying again because of how bad I've felt.

Well, evidently Leah fell asleep waiting for me to come tuck her in . . . that's a good thing. The puppies are still running around the apartment so I need to round them up and get them back in their kennels. I'll try to get a chapter read but I have a feeling once I get in bed I'm going to fall asleep.

I'll close with this thought:

Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.

Anonymous

Thursday ramblings . . .

I can't believe that I'm actually sitting down and not behind the wheel of the car or in a meeting. This week has just been one of those busy weeks; I feel like I haven't taken a breath all week. Leah and I had breakfast for supper tonight and it was good - and easy! The dishwasher is now running and Lele is watching her last TV show of the night. I have a test scheduled for tomorrow and I'm about three chapters behind in my reading. That's what I'll be doing tonight after Leah goes to sleep. I'm already into overtime at work so I'll go in for just an hour or so in the morning and then I'll spend the rest of the day on campus doing labs and then taking my test. I am finding it a challenge to get my required 16 hours a month in on campus - especially since it is all the way on the other side of Nashville from where I live. It was a whole lot easier when I lived on that side of town but I love living here so I won't even think about moving. Besides, I'll be finished with my classes in less than a year. I'm so glad that I'm doing this; it should definitely boost my earning potential greatly.

Well, it's now about two hours later. I took the trash to the dumpster, spent some time with Lele and now she is asleep. I'm too tired to read but I know I need to so I can keep up with my schedule. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. Not that I have any major plans, I don't, but just the thought of not having to follow a particular schedule on Saturday sounds wonderful.

Today I went to lunch with some of my co-workers and we had a great time. We went to a Burrito place but we all got salads and they were the best I've ever had. Right now I work on the third floor and we all work on the same floor. Next week my office is being moved down to the second floor and I'll be with a whole different group - darn it. I really like being on the third floor. We have fun up there- even if the senior pastor's office is right around the corner from mine. Our new senior pastor will start office hours in July and then will start in the pulpit in August. I've met him once and he seems pretty nice. It will be interesting to see how the atmosphere will change once he gets in place.

OK, I'm going to read while the house is quiet.

Sleep is Over Rated Anyway . . .

What can I say, sometimes we have to tell ourselves things to stay sane. Sleep has been rather elusive lately. I've been burning the early morning oil studying and the one night I decided not to study until the wee hours, I can't fall asleep.

Ray has been on my mind so much lately but for different reasons that the norm. I never, ever thought that I would think/feel this much less say it, but I'm finally ready to let go and move on. Today marks 2 years and eight months since his death. I now know what it means to carry someone in your heart forever but to still have room to love someone else. This past week when I was driving home from work thinking about nothing in particular, it was almost like an audible voice saying, "Now you're ready." I felt so excited and hopeful when I allowed myself to entertain the thought that I might just love someone else again. Even though I've dated and come close to marriage, I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for that step yet. It never felt right and I'm so glad that I listened to those inner gut feelings. Moving to Florida and then back to Tennessee I think helped me in so many ways. I feel complete in myself now; I know that I can handle life on my own if I need to. I've managed to be a good enough mom and have learned so much about myself. I now know that I needed to figure out who I am without Ray. I needed to see what I'm made of - what my strengths are, etc... I learned that you don't know what you can do until you have to do it. I'm in no hurry - I know things happen in their own time. But, I have met someone that I'm extremely attracted to - much to my surprise. He is not the "type" I would have even considered before but hey . . . you just never know what (or who!) life has in store for you! It is fun to have these feelings again - it makes life seem a whole lot brighter.

OK - enough soul baring for one night. I think I'll throw another load of clothes in the washer and read another chapter in my text book.

Another Day in Paradise

Oh some days the bed just feels so good. Today was one of those days. I called my boss, told him I was sick and would not be in; talked to the Singles Minister and told her I wouldn't be able to keep our lunch date and took Leah to Holiday MAC. I came home, crawled back under the covers and didn't see the light of day again until 4:45 when I woke up. Talk about being shocked! I didn't set the alarm because I thought I'd sleep maybe an hour or two at the most. I got up and had to immediately leave to pick Leah up. We had supper at Panera and then came home and had a very quiet evening. She did get a bath and shampoo so I at least feel like I accomplished something. I do feel better. I must have really needed the rest or I wouldn't have been able to sleep that long. It's not often that I allow myself to really take time off and take care of myself.

Tomorrow our new senior pastor will be in town and wants to meet with the staff at 4:30 p.m. I hope the meeting won't take too long. I'm also in hopes that this guy will be personable and will genuinely care for his staff and not carry such a heavy political agenda. I know the church is huge and politics usually run the big ones, but I can at least hope. I have amazed myself that in my first month here I've kept to myself pretty much, have not emotionally invested myself therefore I've not pulled any of my rebellious stunts. I just feel that the church today doesn't meet the needs, is not spiritual enough and I'm just stupid enough to go against the grain too much of the time. This used-to-be rule follower has become a somewhat rule breaker and I know I can't continue to do that if I'm going to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table. It was so much more fun when I didn't have so much at stake!

This past weekend we had three new sets of neighbors to move into our building alone. Two apartments upstairs and the one behind mine. A retired couple from New York moved in behind me. They signed a four month lease, rented their furniture and told their grown son they would give it four months. If they didn't like it they were going to move back home. Upstairs behind me we have a gay couple (male) and across from them is Eddie, the obvious body builder. He is divorced, has a 7-year-old son and has a great sense of humor. It's a whole new flavor to our building. We are definitely a mix. That will be for another blog entry. Apartment living is definitely not for the faint hearted!

Well, off to bed for me. I plan to go to work tomorrow and I can't over sleep.

Just Call Me Snotty

I've been called snotty for several things but tonight I mean it in the form of cannot breathe. Even though I've taken nighttime cold/sinus meds, I still absolutely cannot breathe through my nose and that just drives me insane. I made soup for supper tonight in the hope that it would help but it didn't. Leah didn't like the soup so she had left over chicken pasta. What would I do without leftovers??

I enjoyed my four day weekend. We got together with friends yesterday and barbequed out. Afterwards we played board games because it was raining outside. It was a lot of fun. It was hard going to work today; especially since I didn't feel all that great but at least I got a lot done. Hopefully I'll get some sleep soon so I'll feel like going tomorrow.

It was an interesting weekend with Leah, to be sure. Saturday Kathy and I visited by the pool in my apartment complex while her grandson Wesley and Leah swam. They had a great time and spent about 2 hours in the pool. As we were leaving Wesley complained about his feet hurting and genuinely seemed to have difficulty walking. When I talked to Kathy later that evening she told me that the bottom of Wesley's feet were pretty raw so we concluded that the bottom of our pool was rough and that he was tender footed. Swimming shoes would be on the next Wal-Mart list. When Leah and I were on our way home from one of our many trips of errands, she told me that her toes were hurting. She went on to explain it to me like this: "Mommy, it's not my big toe, or the second toe, but the third toe. You know, the one that got roast beef." At that moment I had to admit that Ray and I had done the "Piggy Went to Market" just a time or two with her. I loved that moment of innocence that I rarely see from her anymore. I especially enjoyed it after another conversation we had in the car on Thursday. Yes, most of our profound conversations take place in the car. We ate supper with John, Kathy & Wesley Thursday evening and as usual, Leah and Wesley did their share of fighting like brother and sister. That was one of the main reasons we decided to do carry out and eat at Kathy's house so we could put them outside and we could actually have an adult conversation. As we were pulling out of their driveway to go home, Leah piped up from the backseat and told me that she really did love Wesley. I told her I knew she did and that he loved her too. They've known each other since they were infants. Leah then told me that she had something to tell me that she knew was going to make me angry. I told her it probably wouldn't, so go ahead and tell me. She then told me Wesley told her not to tell me as I'd get angry. I told her no, I wouldn't, go ahead and tell me. It turned out that they had a few moments of kissing each other - on the lips. My mind quickly raced ahead ten years and I knew that I didn't want to blow it now or she'd never confide in me - now or ten years down the road. I stayed calm - on the outside - and told her that it was fine to kiss Wesley and for him to kiss her, but on the cheek for now. I explained to her that they were too young for the lip kissing thing. She said ok, she didn't know that and that they wouldn't kiss on the lips anymore. At age six or seven I never thought about kissing a boy on the lips and I was surprised that they had. I know even the Disney Channel shows it happening so much younger than when we were young. I told Kathy that I wasn't upset about it, afterall, look at Leah's genetic makeup. If she follows in her birth mother's footsteps, I'll be a grandmother in just 9 short years. Now THAT'S a very frightening thought! May the pendulum swing back to the middle and maybe even more back on the side of innocence where she still thinks of her toes and "Piggy Went to Market."

I'm getting sleepy but am still totally stuffed up. I think I'll go read for awhile. I would study but I'm too drowsy at this point.

My "Big" Second Grader

OK, it's official - I have a second grader. Didn't we just transition from sippie cups and diaper bags??? I'm not sure I'm ready for this. First grade flew by at a frightening pace. Of course the fact she was in three different schools might have had something to do with that. But still, I feel like she just entered kindergarten. I'm trying to plan out the summer so that it feels like summer for both of us. It's going to be a bit tricky with work and my school but I'll get it figured out. I'll be able to keep her in the accelerated reading program and that will be a blessing as she'll be earning points during the summer that will be used in second grade. Her teacher explained it all to me but I'm still not totally clear on it yet. I want to keep her in the habit of studying so I've found some good websites for math and reading that she can go and play games and not realize that she is actually still learning. Summer MAC will be fun as they'll do a lot of field trips and that sort of thing but I'm going to miss her this summer. These are the things that I used to do with her and still want to do. But, that opportunity died when Ray did. I call it the only parent syndrome. We make it work though so I'll stop whining.

I loaded more songs on my IPod last night. I went for more eclectic choices - I'm branching out. It's fun though, I like being able to listen to different artists. Right now I'm listening to Nora Jones - one of my favorites.

The puppy, Lily, is sound asleep in front of the front door on the tile. It must feel cool to her opposed to the carpet. She's a feisty little thing. She barked for a solid hour this morning wanting us to get up. I was so in hopes she would just shut up but of course she didn't, so we got up early. I really wanted to sleep in on my day off but oh well. Gosh, am I into whining today or what???

I need to take a shower and get us out the door. I have no idea what fun things Leah and I will get into this afternoon but I'm sure we'll find something. She's not shy about suggesting things. I'm sure a little bit will involve shopping. Her favorite thing to do. She does need new shoes - again. That is her favorite thing to buy so that will definitely be a big hit with her! Maybe we'll hit the pool a little later. She loves that as well.

OK, off to the showers for me.

End of the School Year

I don't know why I even keep this blog other than I like to have a place to go write. I've been so busy lately that I haven't had much time to spend here. Work is going real well. I'm not emotionally invested but it is nice to have a place to go and pick up a paycheck twice a month. School is also going well. I've managed to score 100% on all of my exams so far. This Friday I have my final then on to the next class. I hope I can keep this pace up all year because I want to take as many classes as I can possibly fit in.

Saturday we added a new addition to our family. We got another Shih-Tzu and Leah named her Lily. She is 91/2 weeks old and gives Oreo (the 91/2 month) a run for his money. They are already getting along like they have always been together. I think Oreo needed a little companion as we are gone so much of the day. They play and chase each other all the time and it's fun to watch them. Leah wanted to name her Cookie but I just couldn't have one dog named Oreo and the other Cookie. So, after much consideration she was able to feel good about the name Lily.

Tomorrow is Leah's last day of school. I can't believe that first grade is over and second grade will start in August. It just doesn't seem possible. We have definitely forged ahead with our lives since Ray's death. So much has changed - especially the two of us. She does so much on her own now - my baby is definitely gone and I have a girl that is growing up very quickly.

As usual, I've got laundry to get done and a lot of studying to do. I fell a little behind because I didn't study at all last night. I hope that I can catch up tonight. Leah no longer has homework so she is a little more high maintenance but I plan on having math workbooks for her that she can work on in the evenings. That will keep her skills sharp and give me time to study.

Nothing profound here - just a recap of my life the last week or so. Maybe some prolific thought will hit my brain and I'll have something to write about that has a bit more substance to it!

I'm still here . . .

Yes, I know. My blog has taken a back seat to everything else in my life. Move me back to Tennessee and I suddenly have a life again. I'm busy, having fun, happy, and did I mention busy? At this moment Leah is dutifully doing her homework and the dog is running back and forth between us with a toy in his mouth, hoping that one of us will stop and play with him. He will just have to wait a few more minutes.

Work is going well - too well. It is almost frightening that I look forward to going in everyday. Of course my boss told me today that I was still in the honeymoon phase and that is very true. No matter; I'll enjoy it while it is still nice to go in everyday.

I took my first exam Friday and scored a 100% on it. That just totally blew me away. My instructor was so excited that he completely forgot about decorum and gave me a big hug. He told me that not many people scored 100% on these tests. I have my second one this Friday. I've been staying up until 12:30 or 1:00 a.m. studying but last night I was so exhausted that I was in bed by 9:00. It felt soooo good to get a good nights sleep last night. I won't go to bed as early tonight but I don't plan to stay up so late either.

Leah and I had supper at Puckett's tonight with Kathy and Wesley. Leah and Wesley are the same age and are so funny together. They are so competitive with one another. The more they try to "one up" each other the louder they get. Sometimes it is funny and other times I am a nervous wreck. Tonight, because Kathy and I kept finding things to laugh about, it wasn't so bad. They were rather humorous actually.

Well, that's the quick update. Maybe I'll find more time to blog tomorrow. I have to study and Leah needs to get to bed.

Working Again

Well, today was my first day on the new job. I can tell already that I am going to like it. This is the biggest church by far that I have ever worked in. I was so excited about being there today that I didn't want to leave this afternoon. It is just so nice to have an office again and something productive to do. I haven't felt this settled since I left TN in August. I knew in my heart that the time in Florida was not going to work out so I never felt settled in that position. Eight months is a long time to feel uprooted.

I didn't think I'd ever get Leah in bed tonight. It took her forever to get her homework done. I think she was really too tired to concentrate and that is what made it so difficult. She also had to have a bath and a shampoo tonight and that takes time - especially the hair! Whenever she goes to bed so late I feel frazzled because I know she will be tired tomorrow and it cuts into my time to get things done. To add to the stress, the dog got into the trash this morning while I was in the shower and evidently got something that didn't agree with him. He has peed, puked and pooped. I have used Resolve carpet cleaner in every room in the apartment. He seems better now but the place still has that funny smell.

They had the Scholastic Book fair at Leah's school today and I was able to join her and help her pick out some books. Everything was half price so we stocked up on some books for her to read over the summer. Her teacher had put some books aside as a "wish list" type of thing and I bought them all for her. There weren't that many and anyone who can get my daughter to love reading as much as she does now deserves to have her wish list fulfilled. I counted last night on the tally sheet and Leah has read 35 books in the last month. Talk about one thrilled mom!

I didn't have to be at work until 1 p.m. today so it afforded me the time to do the book fair and I was able to have coffee with another mom from Leah's class. Her family moved here right before the holidays so we share the "new" feeling. She took me to this little place this morning called Hen Peck. It's a gas station that has a store/restaurant/bakery. It was wonderful. It is right down the road from Leah's school. it is a place that I will definitely go to again.

It does feel natural - I have clothes in the dryer. The last three churches I've worked in everyone pretty much wore jeans unless there was a funeral or something but this church everyone is more professional. Now I'm going to have to pay more attention to my wardrobe. I don't mind really but I tell you, I really missed my comfortable tennis shoes today. I was wearing a pair of dress sandals with a heel and oh my - it has been awhile since I've done that! Walking down the stairs was the killer - I looked like I was 80 years old!

I've rambled here but I'm excited to be employed again. I just hope that I'm a good fit for the job. I think I will be but you never know until you get into it. Time will tell. I hope that I'm here for a good while.

Thursday Already?!

Killing time at Panera - looking like one of those big executive types, sitting with my latte and laptop, blackberry at my side. Oh my, the images we do try to create. Little do "they" know that I'm an unemployed single mom, sitting here trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I had an interview yesterday, a 30+ minute conversation with another person about a job the day before yesterday . . . things are happening . . . I know I'll be fine and that I'll be working soon. I'm just enjoying my free time before the tide turns as I know it will.

I've enrolled in classes. Right after Ray died I spend a bunch of money to take some IT classes to get some certifications to give me something to "fall back on" and I never finished them. How lucky for me that the guy in charge liked me, remembered me, and loved my daughter as he discounted the original amount that I spent from the tuition to take all the classes I could in one year making it a very sweet deal for me. I don't officially start until Tuesday but I begged for my first text book early and I've been reading and studying already. I am so determined to get all the certifications that I can . . . I don't care if GEEK is tattooed across my forehead . . . I just want to be able to get out there and make some real money so Leah and I can live comfortably and I can have a decent retirement. This time hopefully I won't be dealing with fresh grief, bleeding ulcers, old boyfriends, etc.... I had just a few distractions last time. Since moving back to TN, I feel like my life is moving forward in a positive way. It is wonderful to be back among friends. My depression has eased, my health is better and my outlook is definitely much better. Once again I can say that "life is good" and really mean it.

I have kind of a funny situation going on. The man who lives across from me is a widower - his wife died almost two years ago. We started talking and now he calls me every night to tell me good night and to give me his schedule for the next day. Last night he called and asked if it was too late to call and tell me good night. He's very sweet but way too old for me - he's 61. My daughter, however, really likes him and thinks I need to date him. I'm so glad she is not my matchmaker! The last thing I need is to get hooked up with someone in their 60's. Life is funny at times.

I really do have things I need to get done today so I'll end this entry. Who knows, I might blog a little more later in the day.

Daring to Live

Sometimes life comes at you so fast that you don't realize what has hit you until the "tornado" has passed. All of us are so vulnerable and, even though we don't like to admit it, fragile. When we are young we think we have all the time in the world and so we squander it - thinking that "soon" or "someday" we'll do whatever our passion is. In our youth we also make a lot of mistakes - some of us more than others. Mistakes that keep us imprisoned to the point that we lose sight of what we are on this earth for, we lose sight of our dreams. I have a friend who finds herself with the responsibility of raising two children alone. She got pregnant before she finished college and now is having one heck of a time finding a job that pays enough and the time to go back to school to get that much needed degree. She is depressed, has given up on herself and doesn't know how to proceed. Then there are the friends who have burdened themselves financially because they wanted it all right away and couldn't wait until they could comfortably afford what it was that they thought they just had to have. I often wonder what would happen if we could just turn our thinking around. What if we could go to that place within ourselves and mine what it is that we truly desire. What if we discover what our talents really are? How would we live then? What would be different? What if we truly followed our hearts, our own sense of right and wrong? What if we could just put aside our fear of not meeting everyone else's expectations and followed our own personal path? If we could free ourselves from the entanglements of what we think others want from us or what we think others expect from us - how would we live? What if we followed what we knew - what we discovered as truth within our own souls? I don't know, but my gut tells me that we would have a community of people who were living authentic lives, who would find their fulfillment in living a life that used all of their talents and abilities. Maybe then we would see the wisdom of making better decisions for ourselves and how, by doing that, we would be contributing in a positive way to our community, to society as a whole. What if we dared to truly live and not just go through the motions of existing . . . . I'm just wondering . . .

Who Me? Having a Low Blood Sugar? Impossible!

Wow! It has been a very long time since I woke up in the middle of the night with a low blood sugar. Even though I hate how they make me feel I'm excited that my blood sugar is finally getting back under control! From just a few weeks ago to registering HIGH on the meter at the doctor's office (which means I was over 600) to being under 70 right now - I'll gladly feel yucky and have to get up in the middle of the night to treat it.

This has been an incredibly fast week. I'm not sure what all we've done, but we've been busy. Today I went with Leah's class on a field trip to the zoo. It was a beautiful day and the kids all had a good time. I enjoyed it too. It was nice meeting some of the other moms. One in particular I had a lot in common with so it was fun hanging out with her. This evening we met some friends at the park and ate supper while the kids played. I think that was the highlight of my day.

I'm going to volunteer in Leah's class in the mornings from 8 to 9 until either I get a job or the end of the school year, whichever comes first. (Please God, let it be the job!) Her teacher is BIG in teaching the kids to love reading and that is what they do for the first hour of the morning. So, I'll be there to help them get their books, take their tests on the book they take home for homework the night before, etc... It will be good for me. Leah is still at the age where she likes having Mom around so I'd better enjoy it now!

I've started a new knitting project but have already run into a snag. I've called a friend for direction. I hope she is good at coaching over the phone since she lives in Texas! I feel so much more settled here than I have in a long, long time. I am so glad that I am finally to the point where I can enjoy hobbies again. It seems like it has been a lifetime since I've even had the energy to do something besides drag through my days. I can't begin to describe how wonderful it feels to wake up excited about the day again. I wake up with a sense of anticipation of what all I am going to do. Since Ray's death, I usually wake up wondering how on earth I am going to survive another day. I never thought the time would come when I would truly feel happy again. I've even noticed that food actually tastes good again. I don't think that is something I'll ever take for granted again either.


Well, I'm heading back to bed. I'm glad I have a few more hours to sleep.

Saturday Chatter

It has been a nice, relaxed Saturday. I got some housework and laundry done this morning and then we went downtown Franklin and explored the shops that are around the square and on Main Street. It was chillier than I expected it to be so we didn't wander as long as I had planned. We stopped and had lunch and then came back home. Leah's been watching TV and I took a short nap. I'm thinking about going to either a craft store or a book store. I really shouldn't as I don't need to spend the money. Leah is begging to go to the mall. I'm not into the mall but we might go sometime tomorrow.

I had a job interview yesterday. It went very well and I feel confident they will offer me the job. It will be wonderful to be employed full time again and have benefits. Not having health insurance has been a huge concern for me. I hope they call me the first of next week.

I am enjoying getting settled. I love Franklin, I love our apartment and Leah is going to a wonderful school. The adjustments to moving here have been minimal. I'm glad we moved here at the beginning of spring. Seeing the flowers appear seemingly overnight and the trees with their new leaves - it is a beautiful time of year in this section of the country. I won't miss that Florida heat that is starting now. At least when I was there it was during winter so the weather was wonderful. I have met several people in our complex and feel like I am making some friends. It is just a good place to be.

I didn't really have anything much to write about. I just wanted to update. Maybe I'll have something thought-provoking hit my brain between now and tomorrow.

Wrestling Down The Fear

I had the weirdest dreams all night last night. Some were down right disturbing. I guess I woke up at least ten times and then would fall back asleep only to continue dreaming. Before going to bed I did my usual 30 minutes of sitting meditation. It was difficult as my mind kept racing - what if I don't find a new job? I don't have health insurance. What if I die before Leah is grown and on her own? What if I am ruining her for life with my crazy sense of humor and my laid back parenting style? All of these fears kept rearing their ugly heads . . . When the alarm went off this morning I was exhausted and ended up falling back asleep. Leah was fifteen minutes late for school - her first unexcused tardy since we moved here and it fueled the feeling of being a terrible parent. It's at times like this that I wonder where in the world my confidence and self esteem run off to . . . Last night the fear was so close to sheer panic . . .

Today has been a little better. When I got home from taking Leah to school I did the little bit of straightening up that needed to be done, got a load of clothes in to wash and sat down to make a grocery list. I've stayed busy - doing things that need to be done. I can hear Ray's voice in my head, "One step at a time; step one, step two, step three and so on." He was so good at bringing me back to the basics and helping me to focus on the present. He used to tell me that "What if" were the two words he would love to remove from my vocabulary. Catastrophic thinking is what my spiritual director calls it. I'll admit, I'm a master at it.

On the lighter side - Oreo is our eight month old Shih-Tzu puppy. He is absolutely adorable and has won my heart totally. He is also very mischievous. No matter how well I think I have things put up where he cannot reach them, he always seems to find a way. One of his greatest treasures is to get a pair of panties that have already been worn. It has taken me months to get Leah trained to not leave her panties on the floor or on her bed when she takes them off as Oreo always comes running out of her room with them in his mouth and then heads under my bed where it is difficult for me to reach him . He's smart - sometimes too smart for my liking. This morning after my shower I was putting on a clean pair of panties and saw that there were holes chewed in the crotch. All I could think was this was a new twist on crotchless panties. He loves to get Leah's stuffed animals and run under the bed with those as well. It drives her up the wall and again, he seems to have this uncanny ability to reach things . . . This morning I put my socks beside me on the couch for one second. The next thing I knew, Oreo was running towards my bedroom - socks in his mouth - making a dive for under my bed. He makes life interesting and when I'm in the right frame of mind, I find his antics quite cute. Leah loves him more than any other pet we've ever had too, and I love to watch the two of them play together.

Well, the items on my list aren't getting done so I'll get back to it. I still have to go to the grocery, run by the vet to get more heart worm meds and go by the leasing office before I go pick Leah up from MAC. Hopefully she has had a good day and is in a good mood.

Catching Up

It's a beautiful day here today - lots of sunshine and the temps are warmer. I certainly needed a day like this. The grey, raining days always tend to bring me down. I had a doctor's appointment first thing this morning. Upped my insulin again - 3 injections a day. I hauled Leah in with me as I wanted a follow-up check of her throat as she had strep. Said her throat is still red but that is from the sinus drainage due to allergies. Poor baby. For whatever reason, my allergies haven't been bothering me so far this spring. I'm thankful for that - I don't miss the headaches that I usually get this time of year. Other than higher than normal blood sugars that leave me tired, I'm feeling pretty good.

Yesterday Leah and I had a late lunch at a restaurant down on the square. The houses in that area are so beautiful. They are mainly older and most of them have been restored. I'd love to be able to afford one! It was nice enough that we opted to sit at an outside table. Eating outside is always a good idea with Leah as she hates to sit for very long and loves the freedom of being able to get up and move around between bites. There are these beautiful streetlights with the old fashioned poles that line the streets. Leah kept going over to the one that was close to us and wrapped her legs around it, hugging it, kind of attempting to climb it. At one point my mind flashed forward about twenty years and I "saw" her pole dancing. It was that image that caused me to make her sit back down and eat. Yikes!!

I love our new apartment. We have settled in quite well. I am more unpacked here than I ever was in Florida. Even though I am still job hunting I do not regret for a moment the decision to move back. I love it here and feel so at home. I don't think I'll ever leave Tennessee again. I always thought that I'd probably move back to Kentucky at some point but now I don't think I will. This is home.

"Crazy Dog" has moved about half of his toys outside onto the screened-in porch and is lying in the sunshine, upside down, with two toys in his mouth. He loves this warmer weather too. He loves having me home during the day as well. Every now and then he trots in here to check me out and then goes back outside. A dog's life, to be sure. I am so attached to this puppy. Even though I loved our Golden Retriever, this one has just stolen my heart. He is just so full of life, funny, and a character. Everyday I have to get the broom out and get all the "treasures" he has taken under my bed. Yesterday we couldn't find the remote anywhere and found it - along with new teeth marks - under my bed. The morning I pulled my new blackberry out from under the bed with several teeth marks was when I realized why they are called shih-tzus. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him but didn't. As Leah reminded me, "He's just a puppy Mommy." But, other than those things he is a sweetie and a lot of company for both of us.

I have yet another doctor's appt. today up by Vanderbilt. This not having health insurance right now is a killer. I need a job for the insurance! Hopefully soon. I can make enough money freelancing but that doesn't get me the benefits that I need. It seems as though insurance companies don't want to issue private policies to hypertensive, asthmatic diabetics. Hmmmm . . . go figure! *sigh* At least I'm not as bad as my mother was. Once, before she died, I was giving my family medical history to a new doctor. When I gave him the list of her ailments, he turned and asked me, "So, when did she die?" He was rather surprised to find out that she was still alive.

On that note, I'll close this entry. I have things I need to get done before I head over to West End.

Visits in the Night . . .

I started out asleep but was awakened suddenly to the feeling that I wasn't alone. As I struggled to clear my head I instinctively reached out to touch Ray - he seemed that close. Hadn't he just been sitting next to me on the bed, brushing my hair out of my eyes like he used to, telling me not to worry, that everything was fine? It was so clear, so real . . .

Now I'm wide awake and turning to the one thing I always do to sort things out - writing. I know I closed this blog but I've missed having the outlet so here I am - again. I may as well accept the fact that writing is what I do. As I sit here pondering spiritual mysteries, this song that Josh Groban sings keeps playing in my mind. It's on my ipod and I've listened to it several times since getting out of bed. Here are the lyrics . . .

To Where You Are

Lyrics by Linda Thompson

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

There is one other song that hits pretty close to home for me as well (also on my ipod). I heard this one earlier last week for the first time. My new found love of country music (since Ray's death) is evident with this one.


I Still Miss You

Keith Anderson

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I don't know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

It's weird how I can go along for weeks and even months and then suddenly it hits me all over again. It isn't a bad thing and I don't mind, but it always catches me by surprise. This kind of loss, I've decided, is like no other.

I need to go back to bed. I hate to fall asleep in church.

The End of the Blog

I have been blogging for almost two years and have decided to stop. For now. Up to this point my blogs have been about my day to day activities, dealing with grief and a lot of venting. With so many changes in my life, this is just a natural progression that I no longer keep this up. If I do blog again (probably starting back in the summer) it will be a professional blog dealing with my freelance work and other professional stuff. If I do start this and if you would like to know about it, let me know and I'll send you the link once I get it up and running.

Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails and thanks for the laughs that we've shared.

Ann

Random Thoughts

Things have just been so busy around here. I have started at least three different entries to post here only to be interrupted and have to leave. I thought about combining them all and just putting them into one big post, but they are so scattered I figured they wouldn't make any sense.

I have been a packing fool and am just so darned proud of myself because of everything I have given away or gotten rid of. Unpacking is going to be a breeze. I don't think I have been this uncluttered since my first apartment when Ray and I got married. It feels absolutely wonderful. By this time next week I'll be in Tennessee and I can't wait. Leah seems to be excited as well.

We had lunch at my brother's today. Bagels and salads - tuna, chicken, egg. It was pretty good. My niece and her family were there along with her mother and father-in-law. It was nice to meet them and they seemed nice. They are snowbirds and will return to New York at the end of March. I've never thought that much about the difference between southerners and northerners but there really is a big difference. Since I have lived all over the world I had always considered myself to be more of a cosmopolitan type of person but I guess because I have lived in the south all of my adult life, I've changed. As much as I hate to admit this, and I'll have to work on this, I think I have developed a prejudice since living in WPB. If given a choice, I'd rather be around someone from the south any day. I have to admit that I don't have a lot of real exposure - just my brother's family and the snowbirds that I've met here but it bothers me that I feel this way. Prejudice is just something I have worked so hard not to have (as much as possible.) I know we all have some sort of prejudice . . .

Leah is sound asleep, the puppy is sound asleep and I can't sleep. I keep thinking I could be shredding mail and documents I no longer need but I'm afraid it would wake Leah up. Packing the rest of the kitchen would probably also wake Leah up.

I keep thinking about John and how much I'm going to miss that guy. We've seen a lot of each other this past week and I have to be honest, I've had just a few second thoughts tonight. We are so well matched in so many ways and he is just a wonderful person. On the other hand the thought of living in south FL is definitely not appealing and the thought of a blended family sends me running in the opposite direction - obviously. He understood when I told him I couldn't marry him yet tonight we talked about it for a long time. He told me that he actually researched jobs in TN to see what the market was for his field. He said his only hesitation is that his father is dying of cancer and his boys have lived here all their lives. They are close to his dad and he doesn't want too much upheaval in their lives. Being a therapist, he has certainly seen the effects of that. A big part of me wants him to move to TN. I have fought falling in love with this guy because I didn't feel ready for another relationship but the truth is I have fallen in love with him. He told me tonight that he was certain if we had more time together that we'd most likely end up married. I know we would too. When Ray died I never thought that I would meet someone that I'd feel so comfortable with again. If it wasn't for John, I'd leave this place and never look back . . .

There's something about writing after midnight that makes me bare my soul. Oh well, there is nothing secretive about my life and in fact it is pretty dull. But, I have no complaints. I wouldn't trade with anyone. Good friends, one good marriage, a beautiful daughter - I couldn't ask for more.

I'm going to try once more to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll have time to blog once more before the move.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller

The Uninvited Resident

Oh yeah, the flu bug is alive and well. It decided to take up residence with me on Monday. Not the way I had planned to spend the last week of my two week notice - missing half a day Monday and both Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm back at work today but everyone is giving me a wide berth because of the coughs and sniffles not to mention the icky sounding voice that has caused more than one person to ask who that was answering the phone. At least the body aches, headache and fever are gone; dispelling the thoughts that I just might be dying. I saw the doctor on Tuesday who gave me a look of distain when I admitted that I had not gotten a flu shot this winter. I didn't think I would need one in sunny, warm, tropical Florida. So, I will finish out my two week notice today and tomorrow and then I'll be the queen of packing for the next week. The moving date is quickly approaching and I'm excited. Even if the weather map showed a fifty degree difference in temperature yesterday between here and there. According to the map it also snowed there. I thought about that as I walked out of my apartment yesterday afternoon in short sleeves and shorts, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my tired body. I'd better soak it all up now.

I need to get back to work but have had a couple of complaints about not updating my blog. It's not that I haven't wanted to . . . .

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Sunday Again?!?

Well it's Sunday again - how quickly they seem to roll around. We actually spent most of the day with the family. We all met at the Green Market and then ended up at Duffy's for a late lunch. My SIL rode with me from the Green Market to the restaurant and talked about everything that has been causing all the tension between us. Now they are telling me they don't want us to move back to Tennessee, etc... I told them that it was a hard decision to make but I still feel that it is the best one for us. Even though we talked and I feel like we cleared the air so to speak, I still don't feel comfortable enough staying as I know that it will continue to be rocky. Our personalities are just so different. I know that Leah and I both will be happier back in the Nashville area and that is the important thing.

The weather today has been wonderful as always. Lots of sun and breezy. It was wonderful sitting outside on the patio at Duffy's. It gave the girls more room to play without disturbing other customers so that was a good thing. I have so much going on in my head right now that it is hard to get my thoughts sorted out. It is very difficult being a people pleaser as it is hard to make decisions sometimes when you know someone is going to be hurt. I think my brother and SIL are hurt that I am moving back and I hate that. However, I know that Leah and I have been hurt a lot since moving here and my top priority is her. On the bright side, as least we are clearing up the misunderstandings so that we can continue to have a relationship like we had before Leah and I moved here. I've also learned a lot about myself in the process - some of the lessons have been painful. This whole thing with them has made me feel like I am such a failure at relationships. But yet I don't seem to have problems making and keeping friends. Ray and I did better than most married couples. We had our issues but we worked through them. Today my SIL kept telling me that I misunderstood both her and my brother. Not once did she say that maybe they misunderstood some things where I am concerned. She had an answer for everything. The whole religion thing was another issue as well. She grew up with parents who were fearful of Christians because of how the Christians persecuted the Jews in Poland where her grandmother was from. She doesn't see how her long held fear has been hard for me to work around because even though she doesn't realize it, part of that fear is directed toward me. It is so hard to have a relationship where there is fear and mistrust. Anyway, it is what it is. At least the anger seems to be gone, forgiveness has been granted on both sides (I think) and now we just have to let time heal the hurts.

I've got laundry going and I've been packing boxes. I've also been getting rid of things that I haven't used. I cannot imagine what it will be like to live in a place that doesn't have so much stuff. I am looking forward to it though. This will be the first time in my life that I have not been surrounded by so much stuff. My parents were packrats, my husband was a packrat and I used to be one. Now I consider myself a reformed packrat. I feel like that when I move this time that I will have gotten rid of so much that I'll kind of be starting out with a clean slate as far as being able to decorate and that sort of thing. I'm so tired of the things that I inherited that I never did like - yet I've had a hard time getting rid of it all. Guilt is a powerful thing.

Well, it's back to work for me. Leah still needs a shampoo and bath. I think she also has some homework to finish up.

Fantastic Friday

I don't think today could be any better. I dropped Leah off at school this morning and she was in a great mood, looking forward to her day. The puppy is at the Vet getting his stitches out and then will get a bath and a haircut. It is beautiful weatherwise - lots of sunshine and the ever present breeze. Today is expected to be about 82 degrees. To top it off, it's Friday!

I'm getting more excited as we get nearer to our moving date. I cannot wait to get back home. Our apartment complex there sounds like it is going to be nice. They have a playground that Leah can enjoy and they have what they call their Bark Park for Oreo. A place for both of my "children" to play - you can't beat that! Moving up at the beginning of spring is something I am looking forward to as well as I love the springs there. Oh let's face it, I could fill this entire blog entry with the things I am looking forward to about getting back home. Even with all of that the most important thing to me is getting back close to my friends. Gosh how I have missed them! I can't wait for Kathy to get here and am looking forward to our road trip together. I've already warned her that she is going to get the biggest hug of her life when she gets off that airplane. I've missed her the most. I could write another entire blog entry just on Kathy and John alone and what they have taught me about friendship and faith. Ray and I talked often about how enriched and blessed our lives had been having them as friends. Mine contines to be. Truly good friends like them are hard to come by.

This weekend is going to be a big packing and sorting through stuff weekend. If I can get rid of even more things than I did before I left Nashville it will be a good thing. The lighter I travel the better I'll like it. It will be much easier to settle in to our new apartment if I don't have as much stuff. I'm learning not to be a pack rat - thank goodness! I am beginning to see just how much healthier it is not to have so much stuff. This is one time I'm glad to have a big dumpster in our parking lot - it will hold a lot of things that I no longer need to hold on to.

Well, it's about time to go pick Leah up and get this weekend started.

Lessons From Unexpected Sources

This morning started out like so many others for me - I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. When I woke up and looked at the clock the usual dread gripped me as I rushed out of bed, telling Leah it was time to get up as I ran to the shower. This was the morning of the "fast shower" - shampoo the hair and use whatever suds rolled down on my body as soap. I call it the three minute shower. As I opened the shower door and reached for my towel, I once again called out to Leah that it was time to get up. I brushed my teeth and hair, knowing my hair was going to have to dry on its own today - no time for the blow dryer. I was dressed by the time Leah got out of the bathroom. Even though I was rushing her along, I marveled at her ability to go with the flow and be happy. She was able to get ready while still engaging in the things around her, mainly our silly puppy who makes her laugh with his antics. This morning was no different. He tugged at her socks as she tried to put them on and her giggles were contagious. It made me slow down and realize that we would be ok. As she tied her shoes, Oreo untied them and then would jump at her shoes and bark. He is just so silly and so full of personality. She always puts him in his kennel before we leave and I noticed how she hugs him tight and says "We'll be back, I promise." She then kisses the top of his head as she gently puts him in. He wags his tail and licks her hand as she lets go and closes the door. It is a morning ritual that is touching - and one that I so often overlook. Once in the car she chatted happily about what they were supposed to do in school today to celebrate 100 days of school. She talked about her friends at the JCC and how she hoped they would be able to play Ga Ga again today as she loved that game and has become really good at it. I don't know why I was more attuned to her today that usual, but her joy is what struck me. She is a truly happy and joyful person. She finds the good, the positive, and goes with that. She has always done that - even as a baby. It has completely turned my day around as I decided to follow her lead. How does that go . . . "And a little child shall lead them?"

A New Week

It is a typical Sunday night here. Leah is asleep, I have clothes in the dryer and I just finished cleaning the kitchen. I've got tomorrow's supper planned out with the help of the crock pot, fruit is washed for breakfast and the table is set. Before I go to bed clothes will be laid out for both of us. Unless I over sleep, tomorrow morning should be easy. I feel like I've been on a roll because all of my bills are paid, and I've done some packing for the move this weekend. When I looked at the calendar earlier, I realized that I only have two more weekends to pack before my furniture is picked up. I have such a sense of relief to be leaving here. I cannot deny that it is beautiful here and I've enjoyed it overall but it just isn't home.

Leah and I went to the barbeque at church tonight and had a great time. I will definitely miss this church. It is one of a kind. Never have I felt so at home so quickly with a congregation. John and I had a chance to sit and talk for awhile and that was a good thing. I am going to miss that man. He is a gentle soul that has a genuine love of people. I watched him tonight as he helped in the kitchen then mingled through the crowd, helping our older members get refills on drinks, bringing them extra napkins and their dessert. He is just one of those people that you can't help but love.

Even though I am tired and my body is a bit on the achy side tonight, I still have a sense of contentment. Things are going well and life is good.


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

February already

Friday night - thank God! I'm grumpy tonight. I think I'm just tired. My sister called last night and we ended up talking close to two hours (until after midnight) - a record for us. It was a very good conversation.
This morning I met with the moving company rep and it will be cheaper for me to move back than it was for me to move here. I'm thrilled about that. I'm all for saving money when and where I can. This move will be a lot easier because I don't have all the other stuff that I had in Nashville that I had to find something to do with. I'm going to go through my stuff again and what I haven't used since I've been here is going to be donated or thrown away. The less I move with the easier it will be on both ends.
I want to say I'm so excited about this move but I was so excited about the move down here. Things definitely didn't turn out the way I had hoped or envisioned. While I am looking forward to getting back I am sad that things didn't go better with my brother and his wife. I called my brother last night and he still isn't in the mood to do much communicating with me. I feel like I have done everything in my power to right the wrongs that they think I did and they aren't budging. Our conversation (or lack of it) last night helped confirm that I have made the right decision to leave.
Maybe I'll be cheerier tomorrow and have more to write about. Right now I just want to pack a few boxes so I feel like I've started and then relax for the rest of the night.

Moving, Moving, Moving

I think I'm going to win the award for having the plainest (and ugliest) blog. Since starting this new one I have done nothing with it except write. No links, no music, just words. Also, I've had no prolific moments so my writing has been about dull, every day stuff. Maybe someday soon all of that will change but until then . . . .

I'm rolling right along with the details of this move. I've given my notice at work. I'm glad to have that aspect complete. I never have an easy time leaving a job. I think they'll hardly miss me as I will have worked here only 3 months and the position was created for me but still, it is never easy for me to tell someone that I'm leaving. I feel like I am breaking a promise. The agent from the moving company will meet me at my apartment at 9 a.m. Friday morning to look at my junk and give me my guaranteed price quote. I'll be glad to have the actual pick up date nailed down so I can schedule everything else around that. When I moved down here I was so stressed and nervous about the whole thing but this time I just feel more matter-of-fact. I guess because I just did this six months ago makes a difference too - I know more what I am doing. There is a part of me that gets an adrenaline rush from the upheaval of moving. I think part of it is just the idea of yet another new start. While I'm going back to the Nashville area, I won't be in the same community so I will have to learn my way around this new part of town. Making new friends is always exciting for me but I will be so glad to get back to the friends that I left. I am especially thrilled that I'll live so close to Kathy. I want to say that Kathy is more like a sister to me but with the luck I've had with family lately I hesitate to equate her with family so I'll just leave it as one of my closest friends. There have only been two moves that I've actually looked forward to in my life; the first one was when we left New Orleans and moved to Nashville the first time and this is the second one. Even Leah is catching my excitement as every night before she falls asleep she asks me how many more days before we move. I think the fact that I will be happier will make her happier. I have promised her a trip back to Dodson Chapel where she went for after school care so she can go see her old friends. She is definitely looking forward to that.

It is another beautiful day here. In the low 70s and lots of sunshine. Leah should have lots of outside play today as they try to get the kids out at every opportunity. Last night she was tired because they played outside so much. I can't wait until my lunch break so I can go soak up some of the nice weather.

Well, I'm going to take advantage of this down time and go work with the Dreamweaver tutorial. If I can grasp how it works it will be one more thing I can add to my resume.