Alone Time

The puppies are asleep and Leah is finally asleep so this is my time. I just finished an excellent book that centered around the lives of a group of Navy Seals and their families. Excellent, suspenseful reading. I can't believe I actually fit in a book for pleasure between work and studying all the time. It was a nice change of pace and a good escape for a little while.

I finished my second course in three weeks instead of five and am scheduled to take the vendor exam this Wednesday. I can't believe I'm actually doing it. Last time I bombed out big time but this time I'm doing great. I'm so excited at the prospect of actually getting a job that makes a little money. After my year of moves, it will be nice to build my savings back up.

I really am trying to become a morning person but I'm just not sure I'll ever succeed. Ray always had to sleep by the alarm because I have this uncanny ability to either turn it off in my sleep or I just don't hear it, period. When Ray was alive I can remember the five times I was awake to hear it go off in 25 years of marriage, he would turn it right off and get right up. Not me. It is as though my butt is glued to that bed and it takes a miracle to finally get it loose so I can get up. I can fall back asleep on the toilet and stay there for an hour - without falling off. It never ceases to amaze me. This morning was no exception - it was one of those rush, rush, rush mornings. Leah is like me, not a morning person. By the time I get her butt unglued and she finds something she'll wear (that's another blog entry by itself) and she gets her hair brushed (another blog entry) and she looks in the mirror for ten minutes (another blog entry) and begs to use some of my makeup etc.... I am exhausted. Of course the dogs have to be walked, I have to shower, I insist that Leah eat something . . . I nix the chocolate chip cookies so that can also be a battle. This morning I was so distracted - "Mama, I can't find any panties . . . " "Did you look in your drawer?" . . . . "No . . . . " "Mama, I can't find my hair brush . . . " Did you look in your bathroom? . . . " "No . . . " The puppies don't help. They steal my socks (and other under clothes that just happen to be on the bed next to me) and run under the bed with them. They get under my feet and I'm tripping over them. Needless to say I got dressed in a hurry this morning and unlike my daughter, I didn't even glance in the mirror once I got my makeup on. I was doing at least three things while I was attempting to button my blouse. I got to work and worked at my desk for an hour then did my rounds to the finance office on the fourth floor, to see my boss on the third floor, check my mailbox on the first floor then swung by the central office to check on the registration cards on my way back to the bathroom and my office. While I washed my hands I noticed that something didn't look quite right. Upon closer inspection I saw that in my haste I had only fastened one hook on my bra that hooks in the front. Yes, I was wearing a white blouse, no I wasn't wearing a camisole and yes I had flashed a bunch of cleavage all around the church. I know I'm new but I sure wish one of the women had pulled me aside and said something like "uh . . . you need to hook your bra." How I didn't feel it, I'll never know. I tried to look on the bright side . . . my co-workers now know I don't stuff my bra and it's obvious I haven't had surgery . . . just in case anyone was wondering.

So, that's my saga for the day. I need to think about heading to bed as I've got an early day tomorrow. It will be a busy one too. I'm glad to be busy. I like my new office and all the new office furniture. There is also a window that overlooks the playground so I can watch the little ones when they go outside. This week is Vacation Bible School so I'm sure I'll have some wild tale about that by the end of the week.

Exhausted = Me

It's been a long time since I've had a week where I have felt as bad as I do. I finally broke down and called my doctor's office and have an appointment for 10:45 tomorrow morning. I'll have to leave work and miss staff meeting and the luncheon for the outgoing senior pastor but . . . . oh well. My blood sugars have been very high - bouncing between 300 and 600 - I've had a sinus thing going on and I've been dizzy, light headed and grumpy. I've been injecting straight regular insulin along with my 70/30 mix just to help get the numbers down. I've been afraid to eat so I think I must have a sinus infection that is causing the rise. That and the fact I've not been sleeping much because I've been studying until the wee hours of the morning for the past two months. Now that I've whined, I'll move on to other things.

Leah went swimming today with her holiday MAC group and had a wonderful time. I'm so glad. Yesterday a magician visited and she was all pumped up about that. Tomorrow they have a field trip to some place I've never heard of; all I know is they have to wear socks. She is having a good summer and that makes me happy.

Tomorrow afternoon I have to move my office downstairs. It will be weird and I'll miss everyone that I've gotten to know on the 3rd floor. I'll especially miss Sally, my office mate, as she has been the best. Today we all went out to lunch to celebrate her birthday. I was so good - I had a whole wheat grilled chicken wrap, fruit, and a bottle of water. Everyone else had burgers or grilled sandwiches and iced tea. I was proud of myself. I know I'm going to like my new office once I get moved in. I'll actually have a window! The new furniture is very nice.

My classes continue to go well. Last Friday I was so exhausted that I honestly didn't think I had the strength to drive there. I fought with myself to the halfway point - it was raining and the thought of going home and crawling under the covers was so enticing . . . Once I passed the half way point I made myself go on and get there. I took my unit exam and scored 100%. I've scored a 100% on every unit exam that I've taken. I then went to the lab, did a little bit of work and then decided what the heck - I'd take the next unit exam. These exams are proctored, so my instructor set it up for me. I was shocked when I scored 100% on this exam as well. When I walked out the door I was so glad I had pushed myself to go. Now I'm a week ahead on my class. I had visions of taking the last unit exam and the final this Friday but I've fallen behind on my studying again because of how bad I've felt.

Well, evidently Leah fell asleep waiting for me to come tuck her in . . . that's a good thing. The puppies are still running around the apartment so I need to round them up and get them back in their kennels. I'll try to get a chapter read but I have a feeling once I get in bed I'm going to fall asleep.

I'll close with this thought:

Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.

Anonymous

Thursday ramblings . . .

I can't believe that I'm actually sitting down and not behind the wheel of the car or in a meeting. This week has just been one of those busy weeks; I feel like I haven't taken a breath all week. Leah and I had breakfast for supper tonight and it was good - and easy! The dishwasher is now running and Lele is watching her last TV show of the night. I have a test scheduled for tomorrow and I'm about three chapters behind in my reading. That's what I'll be doing tonight after Leah goes to sleep. I'm already into overtime at work so I'll go in for just an hour or so in the morning and then I'll spend the rest of the day on campus doing labs and then taking my test. I am finding it a challenge to get my required 16 hours a month in on campus - especially since it is all the way on the other side of Nashville from where I live. It was a whole lot easier when I lived on that side of town but I love living here so I won't even think about moving. Besides, I'll be finished with my classes in less than a year. I'm so glad that I'm doing this; it should definitely boost my earning potential greatly.

Well, it's now about two hours later. I took the trash to the dumpster, spent some time with Lele and now she is asleep. I'm too tired to read but I know I need to so I can keep up with my schedule. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. Not that I have any major plans, I don't, but just the thought of not having to follow a particular schedule on Saturday sounds wonderful.

Today I went to lunch with some of my co-workers and we had a great time. We went to a Burrito place but we all got salads and they were the best I've ever had. Right now I work on the third floor and we all work on the same floor. Next week my office is being moved down to the second floor and I'll be with a whole different group - darn it. I really like being on the third floor. We have fun up there- even if the senior pastor's office is right around the corner from mine. Our new senior pastor will start office hours in July and then will start in the pulpit in August. I've met him once and he seems pretty nice. It will be interesting to see how the atmosphere will change once he gets in place.

OK, I'm going to read while the house is quiet.

Sleep is Over Rated Anyway . . .

What can I say, sometimes we have to tell ourselves things to stay sane. Sleep has been rather elusive lately. I've been burning the early morning oil studying and the one night I decided not to study until the wee hours, I can't fall asleep.

Ray has been on my mind so much lately but for different reasons that the norm. I never, ever thought that I would think/feel this much less say it, but I'm finally ready to let go and move on. Today marks 2 years and eight months since his death. I now know what it means to carry someone in your heart forever but to still have room to love someone else. This past week when I was driving home from work thinking about nothing in particular, it was almost like an audible voice saying, "Now you're ready." I felt so excited and hopeful when I allowed myself to entertain the thought that I might just love someone else again. Even though I've dated and come close to marriage, I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready for that step yet. It never felt right and I'm so glad that I listened to those inner gut feelings. Moving to Florida and then back to Tennessee I think helped me in so many ways. I feel complete in myself now; I know that I can handle life on my own if I need to. I've managed to be a good enough mom and have learned so much about myself. I now know that I needed to figure out who I am without Ray. I needed to see what I'm made of - what my strengths are, etc... I learned that you don't know what you can do until you have to do it. I'm in no hurry - I know things happen in their own time. But, I have met someone that I'm extremely attracted to - much to my surprise. He is not the "type" I would have even considered before but hey . . . you just never know what (or who!) life has in store for you! It is fun to have these feelings again - it makes life seem a whole lot brighter.

OK - enough soul baring for one night. I think I'll throw another load of clothes in the washer and read another chapter in my text book.