Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Working Again

Well, today was my first day on the new job. I can tell already that I am going to like it. This is the biggest church by far that I have ever worked in. I was so excited about being there today that I didn't want to leave this afternoon. It is just so nice to have an office again and something productive to do. I haven't felt this settled since I left TN in August. I knew in my heart that the time in Florida was not going to work out so I never felt settled in that position. Eight months is a long time to feel uprooted.

I didn't think I'd ever get Leah in bed tonight. It took her forever to get her homework done. I think she was really too tired to concentrate and that is what made it so difficult. She also had to have a bath and a shampoo tonight and that takes time - especially the hair! Whenever she goes to bed so late I feel frazzled because I know she will be tired tomorrow and it cuts into my time to get things done. To add to the stress, the dog got into the trash this morning while I was in the shower and evidently got something that didn't agree with him. He has peed, puked and pooped. I have used Resolve carpet cleaner in every room in the apartment. He seems better now but the place still has that funny smell.

They had the Scholastic Book fair at Leah's school today and I was able to join her and help her pick out some books. Everything was half price so we stocked up on some books for her to read over the summer. Her teacher had put some books aside as a "wish list" type of thing and I bought them all for her. There weren't that many and anyone who can get my daughter to love reading as much as she does now deserves to have her wish list fulfilled. I counted last night on the tally sheet and Leah has read 35 books in the last month. Talk about one thrilled mom!

I didn't have to be at work until 1 p.m. today so it afforded me the time to do the book fair and I was able to have coffee with another mom from Leah's class. Her family moved here right before the holidays so we share the "new" feeling. She took me to this little place this morning called Hen Peck. It's a gas station that has a store/restaurant/bakery. It was wonderful. It is right down the road from Leah's school. it is a place that I will definitely go to again.

It does feel natural - I have clothes in the dryer. The last three churches I've worked in everyone pretty much wore jeans unless there was a funeral or something but this church everyone is more professional. Now I'm going to have to pay more attention to my wardrobe. I don't mind really but I tell you, I really missed my comfortable tennis shoes today. I was wearing a pair of dress sandals with a heel and oh my - it has been awhile since I've done that! Walking down the stairs was the killer - I looked like I was 80 years old!

I've rambled here but I'm excited to be employed again. I just hope that I'm a good fit for the job. I think I will be but you never know until you get into it. Time will tell. I hope that I'm here for a good while.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thursday Already?!

Killing time at Panera - looking like one of those big executive types, sitting with my latte and laptop, blackberry at my side. Oh my, the images we do try to create. Little do "they" know that I'm an unemployed single mom, sitting here trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

I had an interview yesterday, a 30+ minute conversation with another person about a job the day before yesterday . . . things are happening . . . I know I'll be fine and that I'll be working soon. I'm just enjoying my free time before the tide turns as I know it will.

I've enrolled in classes. Right after Ray died I spend a bunch of money to take some IT classes to get some certifications to give me something to "fall back on" and I never finished them. How lucky for me that the guy in charge liked me, remembered me, and loved my daughter as he discounted the original amount that I spent from the tuition to take all the classes I could in one year making it a very sweet deal for me. I don't officially start until Tuesday but I begged for my first text book early and I've been reading and studying already. I am so determined to get all the certifications that I can . . . I don't care if GEEK is tattooed across my forehead . . . I just want to be able to get out there and make some real money so Leah and I can live comfortably and I can have a decent retirement. This time hopefully I won't be dealing with fresh grief, bleeding ulcers, old boyfriends, etc.... I had just a few distractions last time. Since moving back to TN, I feel like my life is moving forward in a positive way. It is wonderful to be back among friends. My depression has eased, my health is better and my outlook is definitely much better. Once again I can say that "life is good" and really mean it.

I have kind of a funny situation going on. The man who lives across from me is a widower - his wife died almost two years ago. We started talking and now he calls me every night to tell me good night and to give me his schedule for the next day. Last night he called and asked if it was too late to call and tell me good night. He's very sweet but way too old for me - he's 61. My daughter, however, really likes him and thinks I need to date him. I'm so glad she is not my matchmaker! The last thing I need is to get hooked up with someone in their 60's. Life is funny at times.

I really do have things I need to get done today so I'll end this entry. Who knows, I might blog a little more later in the day.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Daring to Live

Sometimes life comes at you so fast that you don't realize what has hit you until the "tornado" has passed. All of us are so vulnerable and, even though we don't like to admit it, fragile. When we are young we think we have all the time in the world and so we squander it - thinking that "soon" or "someday" we'll do whatever our passion is. In our youth we also make a lot of mistakes - some of us more than others. Mistakes that keep us imprisoned to the point that we lose sight of what we are on this earth for, we lose sight of our dreams. I have a friend who finds herself with the responsibility of raising two children alone. She got pregnant before she finished college and now is having one heck of a time finding a job that pays enough and the time to go back to school to get that much needed degree. She is depressed, has given up on herself and doesn't know how to proceed. Then there are the friends who have burdened themselves financially because they wanted it all right away and couldn't wait until they could comfortably afford what it was that they thought they just had to have. I often wonder what would happen if we could just turn our thinking around. What if we could go to that place within ourselves and mine what it is that we truly desire. What if we discover what our talents really are? How would we live then? What would be different? What if we truly followed our hearts, our own sense of right and wrong? What if we could just put aside our fear of not meeting everyone else's expectations and followed our own personal path? If we could free ourselves from the entanglements of what we think others want from us or what we think others expect from us - how would we live? What if we followed what we knew - what we discovered as truth within our own souls? I don't know, but my gut tells me that we would have a community of people who were living authentic lives, who would find their fulfillment in living a life that used all of their talents and abilities. Maybe then we would see the wisdom of making better decisions for ourselves and how, by doing that, we would be contributing in a positive way to our community, to society as a whole. What if we dared to truly live and not just go through the motions of existing . . . . I'm just wondering . . .

Friday, April 18, 2008

Who Me? Having a Low Blood Sugar? Impossible!

Wow! It has been a very long time since I woke up in the middle of the night with a low blood sugar. Even though I hate how they make me feel I'm excited that my blood sugar is finally getting back under control! From just a few weeks ago to registering HIGH on the meter at the doctor's office (which means I was over 600) to being under 70 right now - I'll gladly feel yucky and have to get up in the middle of the night to treat it.

This has been an incredibly fast week. I'm not sure what all we've done, but we've been busy. Today I went with Leah's class on a field trip to the zoo. It was a beautiful day and the kids all had a good time. I enjoyed it too. It was nice meeting some of the other moms. One in particular I had a lot in common with so it was fun hanging out with her. This evening we met some friends at the park and ate supper while the kids played. I think that was the highlight of my day.

I'm going to volunteer in Leah's class in the mornings from 8 to 9 until either I get a job or the end of the school year, whichever comes first. (Please God, let it be the job!) Her teacher is BIG in teaching the kids to love reading and that is what they do for the first hour of the morning. So, I'll be there to help them get their books, take their tests on the book they take home for homework the night before, etc... It will be good for me. Leah is still at the age where she likes having Mom around so I'd better enjoy it now!

I've started a new knitting project but have already run into a snag. I've called a friend for direction. I hope she is good at coaching over the phone since she lives in Texas! I feel so much more settled here than I have in a long, long time. I am so glad that I am finally to the point where I can enjoy hobbies again. It seems like it has been a lifetime since I've even had the energy to do something besides drag through my days. I can't begin to describe how wonderful it feels to wake up excited about the day again. I wake up with a sense of anticipation of what all I am going to do. Since Ray's death, I usually wake up wondering how on earth I am going to survive another day. I never thought the time would come when I would truly feel happy again. I've even noticed that food actually tastes good again. I don't think that is something I'll ever take for granted again either.


Well, I'm heading back to bed. I'm glad I have a few more hours to sleep.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Saturday Chatter

It has been a nice, relaxed Saturday. I got some housework and laundry done this morning and then we went downtown Franklin and explored the shops that are around the square and on Main Street. It was chillier than I expected it to be so we didn't wander as long as I had planned. We stopped and had lunch and then came back home. Leah's been watching TV and I took a short nap. I'm thinking about going to either a craft store or a book store. I really shouldn't as I don't need to spend the money. Leah is begging to go to the mall. I'm not into the mall but we might go sometime tomorrow.

I had a job interview yesterday. It went very well and I feel confident they will offer me the job. It will be wonderful to be employed full time again and have benefits. Not having health insurance has been a huge concern for me. I hope they call me the first of next week.

I am enjoying getting settled. I love Franklin, I love our apartment and Leah is going to a wonderful school. The adjustments to moving here have been minimal. I'm glad we moved here at the beginning of spring. Seeing the flowers appear seemingly overnight and the trees with their new leaves - it is a beautiful time of year in this section of the country. I won't miss that Florida heat that is starting now. At least when I was there it was during winter so the weather was wonderful. I have met several people in our complex and feel like I am making some friends. It is just a good place to be.

I didn't really have anything much to write about. I just wanted to update. Maybe I'll have something thought-provoking hit my brain between now and tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Wrestling Down The Fear

I had the weirdest dreams all night last night. Some were down right disturbing. I guess I woke up at least ten times and then would fall back asleep only to continue dreaming. Before going to bed I did my usual 30 minutes of sitting meditation. It was difficult as my mind kept racing - what if I don't find a new job? I don't have health insurance. What if I die before Leah is grown and on her own? What if I am ruining her for life with my crazy sense of humor and my laid back parenting style? All of these fears kept rearing their ugly heads . . . When the alarm went off this morning I was exhausted and ended up falling back asleep. Leah was fifteen minutes late for school - her first unexcused tardy since we moved here and it fueled the feeling of being a terrible parent. It's at times like this that I wonder where in the world my confidence and self esteem run off to . . . Last night the fear was so close to sheer panic . . .

Today has been a little better. When I got home from taking Leah to school I did the little bit of straightening up that needed to be done, got a load of clothes in to wash and sat down to make a grocery list. I've stayed busy - doing things that need to be done. I can hear Ray's voice in my head, "One step at a time; step one, step two, step three and so on." He was so good at bringing me back to the basics and helping me to focus on the present. He used to tell me that "What if" were the two words he would love to remove from my vocabulary. Catastrophic thinking is what my spiritual director calls it. I'll admit, I'm a master at it.

On the lighter side - Oreo is our eight month old Shih-Tzu puppy. He is absolutely adorable and has won my heart totally. He is also very mischievous. No matter how well I think I have things put up where he cannot reach them, he always seems to find a way. One of his greatest treasures is to get a pair of panties that have already been worn. It has taken me months to get Leah trained to not leave her panties on the floor or on her bed when she takes them off as Oreo always comes running out of her room with them in his mouth and then heads under my bed where it is difficult for me to reach him . He's smart - sometimes too smart for my liking. This morning after my shower I was putting on a clean pair of panties and saw that there were holes chewed in the crotch. All I could think was this was a new twist on crotchless panties. He loves to get Leah's stuffed animals and run under the bed with those as well. It drives her up the wall and again, he seems to have this uncanny ability to reach things . . . This morning I put my socks beside me on the couch for one second. The next thing I knew, Oreo was running towards my bedroom - socks in his mouth - making a dive for under my bed. He makes life interesting and when I'm in the right frame of mind, I find his antics quite cute. Leah loves him more than any other pet we've ever had too, and I love to watch the two of them play together.

Well, the items on my list aren't getting done so I'll get back to it. I still have to go to the grocery, run by the vet to get more heart worm meds and go by the leasing office before I go pick Leah up from MAC. Hopefully she has had a good day and is in a good mood.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Catching Up

It's a beautiful day here today - lots of sunshine and the temps are warmer. I certainly needed a day like this. The grey, raining days always tend to bring me down. I had a doctor's appointment first thing this morning. Upped my insulin again - 3 injections a day. I hauled Leah in with me as I wanted a follow-up check of her throat as she had strep. Said her throat is still red but that is from the sinus drainage due to allergies. Poor baby. For whatever reason, my allergies haven't been bothering me so far this spring. I'm thankful for that - I don't miss the headaches that I usually get this time of year. Other than higher than normal blood sugars that leave me tired, I'm feeling pretty good.

Yesterday Leah and I had a late lunch at a restaurant down on the square. The houses in that area are so beautiful. They are mainly older and most of them have been restored. I'd love to be able to afford one! It was nice enough that we opted to sit at an outside table. Eating outside is always a good idea with Leah as she hates to sit for very long and loves the freedom of being able to get up and move around between bites. There are these beautiful streetlights with the old fashioned poles that line the streets. Leah kept going over to the one that was close to us and wrapped her legs around it, hugging it, kind of attempting to climb it. At one point my mind flashed forward about twenty years and I "saw" her pole dancing. It was that image that caused me to make her sit back down and eat. Yikes!!

I love our new apartment. We have settled in quite well. I am more unpacked here than I ever was in Florida. Even though I am still job hunting I do not regret for a moment the decision to move back. I love it here and feel so at home. I don't think I'll ever leave Tennessee again. I always thought that I'd probably move back to Kentucky at some point but now I don't think I will. This is home.

"Crazy Dog" has moved about half of his toys outside onto the screened-in porch and is lying in the sunshine, upside down, with two toys in his mouth. He loves this warmer weather too. He loves having me home during the day as well. Every now and then he trots in here to check me out and then goes back outside. A dog's life, to be sure. I am so attached to this puppy. Even though I loved our Golden Retriever, this one has just stolen my heart. He is just so full of life, funny, and a character. Everyday I have to get the broom out and get all the "treasures" he has taken under my bed. Yesterday we couldn't find the remote anywhere and found it - along with new teeth marks - under my bed. The morning I pulled my new blackberry out from under the bed with several teeth marks was when I realized why they are called shih-tzus. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him but didn't. As Leah reminded me, "He's just a puppy Mommy." But, other than those things he is a sweetie and a lot of company for both of us.

I have yet another doctor's appt. today up by Vanderbilt. This not having health insurance right now is a killer. I need a job for the insurance! Hopefully soon. I can make enough money freelancing but that doesn't get me the benefits that I need. It seems as though insurance companies don't want to issue private policies to hypertensive, asthmatic diabetics. Hmmmm . . . go figure! *sigh* At least I'm not as bad as my mother was. Once, before she died, I was giving my family medical history to a new doctor. When I gave him the list of her ailments, he turned and asked me, "So, when did she die?" He was rather surprised to find out that she was still alive.

On that note, I'll close this entry. I have things I need to get done before I head over to West End.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Visits in the Night . . .

I started out asleep but was awakened suddenly to the feeling that I wasn't alone. As I struggled to clear my head I instinctively reached out to touch Ray - he seemed that close. Hadn't he just been sitting next to me on the bed, brushing my hair out of my eyes like he used to, telling me not to worry, that everything was fine? It was so clear, so real . . .


Now I'm wide awake and turning to the one thing I always do to sort things out - writing. I know I closed this blog but I've missed having the outlet so here I am - again. I may as well accept the fact that writing is what I do. As I sit here pondering spiritual mysteries, this song that Josh Groban sings keeps playing in my mind. It's on my ipod and I've listened to it several times since getting out of bed. Here are the lyrics . . .

To Where You Are

Lyrics by Linda Thompson

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

There is one other song that hits pretty close to home for me as well (also on my ipod). I heard this one earlier last week for the first time. My new found love of country music (since Ray's death) is evident with this one.


I Still Miss You

Keith Anderson

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I don't know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....


It's weird how I can go along for weeks and even months and then suddenly it hits me all over again. It isn't a bad thing and I don't mind, but it always catches me by surprise. This kind of loss, I've decided, is like no other.

I need to go back to bed. I hate to fall asleep in church.