I can't sleep so thought I'd catch up on my blog a little bit. It has been a very hectic couple of weeks. This past weekend Leah and I went to Beersheba Springs, to the United Methodist Assembly for the TN Conference Family Retreat. We had a great time and it proved to be very relaxing. It felt wonderful to get away from the normal grind. Leah loved it because she made new friends and had a level of freedom there that she can't have at home. There, we are up in the mountains and are surrounded by families so the kids are able to run free and play on the playground, in the game room, go sit together in the dining hall for meals, etc... It was wonderful to have our meals cooked for us. I enjoyed the evening vespers at the outdoor worship area. The view from the overlook to the valley below is absolutely breathtaking. I rode with my friend Kathy and that made it even better as we had a chance to talk.
Today has been bittersweet. Our senior minister died early this morning. I didn't know him very well as I've only been working at the church for three months, but he was well loved by his congregation. At 9:30 this morning the staff all gathered in the small chapel and sang a few hymns and prayed together. We were encouraged to share stories about him and there were some funny stories shared. The feeling was grief at his passing but celebration that he is finally free of pain. On the upside, I was offered more responsibility with a significant pay raise. Can you say excited???!!!??? I'm thrilled. I love working at this church. The flexibility they offer me is so vital since I'm an only parent. They are understanding about the times I need to flex my schedule to be with Leah. That means a lot right now. I'll do my web design on the side, building up my experience and portfolio.
I can't believe that Leah starts back to school in just three short weeks. This summer has flown by! I think overall it has been a good one for her. She has certainly done a lot of different things, taken a lot of field trips and made new friends.
The puppies are still getting into trouble on a daily basis. Last week our next door neighbors asked us to come over and visit for a bit as they were moving the next day back to New York. I usually put the dogs in their kennels when I leave the apartment but this time I didn't as I knew I wouldn't be gone for very long. When we walked back into the apartment Leah said, "oh no!" She bent down and handed me my Blackberry. I had left it on the table and the older dog can jump on the furniture and help himself to whatever is there. This is the second time they have gotten my phone and this time the teeth marks are everywhere. They even cracked the screen. The case was in shreds. As Leah handed it to me it rang - at least I knew it still worked - and it was Kathy, asking if I had just called her. I told her no and she said, "Yes you did, your number came up. All I could hear was movement and breathing and then a hang up." I couldn't help but laugh because obviously in their chewing frenzy, the dogs had hit the call button and she was the last person I had called so her number was up. She was afraid that I had gone into a diabetic coma or something and that Leah didn't know what to say so she hung up. We did have a good laugh when we realized it had been the dogs who called.
As I was packing to leave on the retreat Friday Oreo came out of the bedroom with my bottle of Tums in his mouth. When he saw me coming towards him he turned back around and ran under my bed. I pulled him out by his tail but he left the Tums under the bed. I didn't think I would ever reach them but I did. The lid was off and I couldn't tell if they had eaten any of them or not. I was so ticked that my first thought was that if they die, they die. Then I thought about Leah. I picked them both up and smelled their breath - no scent of Tums, just bad doggie breath.
Not being a morning person, mornings around here are not fun. As usual, this morning I was running late. I was attempting to slip on my shoes as I was running for the door, picking up my purse, keys and cell phone all at the same time. You can imagine my shock and disgust when I realized that Lilly, the four month old, had pooped in my shoe. Leah started to giggle until she looked at my face. Then she started in on her litany of "they're just puppies Mommy." They lived for another day, anyway.
So, that's been life around my crazy house. Each day holds it own surprises; some good and some, well, some I'd rather not experience i.e. dog poop. I need to try and get some sleep as that alarm sounds very early in the morning.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Blaa, Blaa, Blaa
My wonderful mood continues. Leah was sick all weekend. I knew she felt bad when Saturday after running two errands she said she just wanted to go home and put her pajamas back on. She did and so began the long weekend of staying in. I finally figured out that her allergies were acting up so I got her singular refilled and by yesterday evening she was up dancing and bouncing off the walls like normal. I hate it when she is sick. I felt terrible that I let her singular run out. I just hate for her to continue taking meds if she really doesn't need them. I could tell by the dramatic difference in her that she did need this.
My internet at home has been out all weekend. Comcast is having problems and I hope that they get it fixed soon. I didn't realize how accustomed I was to being on the internet all the time. So, I'm at Panera today, getting my fix; checking my emails, blogging, etc... To add to it, my Blackberry started acting up this morning after I took Leah to MAC. I couldn't retrieve my voice mail. I stopped by the store and they helped me get it all back on line. Just goes to confirm to me that when your attitude is crappy, things around you start breaking down in one way or another. It is at times like this that I'm glad my present job has flexibility. "Working at home" is totally acceptable and even expected at times. It has been ages since I've felt like this. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. My brother called twice this weekend - I ignored the calls. I don't want to talk. At least I've learned that these feelings don't last forever - they will probably pass in a few days. I need to find something to look forward to. My days have been work, school and home and I haven't done anything I really enjoy in a long time. At home it is constantly picking up after Leah and cleaning up after the puppies. At work it is constantly putting out fires. No wonder I'm tired. I feel like I can never get ahead. There is always laundry, dirty dishes, meals to worry about, dog poop somewhere that needs to be cleaned up. Have I whined enough yet???
Anyway, I now officially have a waiting list for designing websites. I can work on them all at the same time but I've had to be honest and tell the latest two who have asked that I have someone in front of them. And the wonderful thing? Two of the three are actual paying customers! I'm thrilled to be getting the experience and adding to my online portfolio. Changing careers is somewhat of a stressful thing but it will be so worth it once I find an actual paying job in my new field.
I guess I need to go to the office for a few hours today. There are things there that need to be done. This is snappy pants signing off for now.
My internet at home has been out all weekend. Comcast is having problems and I hope that they get it fixed soon. I didn't realize how accustomed I was to being on the internet all the time. So, I'm at Panera today, getting my fix; checking my emails, blogging, etc... To add to it, my Blackberry started acting up this morning after I took Leah to MAC. I couldn't retrieve my voice mail. I stopped by the store and they helped me get it all back on line. Just goes to confirm to me that when your attitude is crappy, things around you start breaking down in one way or another. It is at times like this that I'm glad my present job has flexibility. "Working at home" is totally acceptable and even expected at times. It has been ages since I've felt like this. I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. My brother called twice this weekend - I ignored the calls. I don't want to talk. At least I've learned that these feelings don't last forever - they will probably pass in a few days. I need to find something to look forward to. My days have been work, school and home and I haven't done anything I really enjoy in a long time. At home it is constantly picking up after Leah and cleaning up after the puppies. At work it is constantly putting out fires. No wonder I'm tired. I feel like I can never get ahead. There is always laundry, dirty dishes, meals to worry about, dog poop somewhere that needs to be cleaned up. Have I whined enough yet???
Anyway, I now officially have a waiting list for designing websites. I can work on them all at the same time but I've had to be honest and tell the latest two who have asked that I have someone in front of them. And the wonderful thing? Two of the three are actual paying customers! I'm thrilled to be getting the experience and adding to my online portfolio. Changing careers is somewhat of a stressful thing but it will be so worth it once I find an actual paying job in my new field.
I guess I need to go to the office for a few hours today. There are things there that need to be done. This is snappy pants signing off for now.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back. . .
This has been a different sort of week. It has been busy, up and down emotionally, and exhausting. The past has been colliding with the present bringing with it comfort and longing. When I got out of the car this morning I was greeted with the sound of lawn mowers and that wonderful scent of freshly mowed grass.Immediately I was transported back to the little town in Kentucky we lived in when I was a teen. I normally move on with my day but since I didn't have anything to distract me I thought about childhood friends, things I used to do, the music that I listened to for hours on end. I thought about my parents . . . I find it hard to believe that dad died 18 years ago next month and that mom died over 7 years ago now. Most days that just feels like another lifetime to me.
Somehow I got an infected nail bed on my right middle finger, causing a lot of pain and finally made me go see my doctor. Medication was prescribed with the warning to watch it carefully because if the infection got to the bone they may have to remove my finger. As I lay in bed Wednesday night, unable to sleep because of the throbbing pain, I felt the loneliness of being on my own. I missed the way Ray always babied me whenever anything was wrong. I tried to think about what he would probably say and for the first time since his death, I couldn't remember the sound of his voice. That has haunted me for the rest of the week because I still can't remember. And I desperately want to remember. When I finally got to sleep it was a restless sleep. Around 4:00 a.m. I woke up with a start, feeling very funny. It took me a minute to realize that I was having an insulin reaction. As I walked to the kitchen on very unsteady legs and attempted to cut myself some cheese slices with shaking hands, again I felt the emptiness that his not being here has left with me. He always woke up before I did when I was having a low during the night and would wake me up. He'd fix whatever I needed and we would sit and talk while we waited to make sure that I had treated it sufficiently. My thoughts have traveled back to the early days of our marriage, how exciting it was and how broke we were. Then in later years dealing with the infertility and the disappointment that brought. Then the period of time when we decided to hell with it and we concentrated on building a life for the two of us and ourselves individually. We both went back to school and we did a lot of things that we had been putting off in the attempt to have a family. The phone call I got from him while he was in Nashville on yet another business trip, telling me that he was being transferred from New Orleans to Nashville - a transfer we had prayed for a long time to happen. The time just seemed to fly by. I've wondered all week about where did the years go? Now I'm on a different path - single, raising the daughter that we waited for so long. Some days I feel strong and thankful that we're doing so well. Other days it hits again like a ton of bricks that he is gone and he's not coming back. It's at those times that I find I have a hard time breathing. How can you miss someone so damn much and still keep going? This has been a lonely week. I have felt the loneliness acutely since Leah's birthday. So, this week I have tried to stay busy. I threw myself into work and got a lot of things done. I studied and took 3 unit exams today and made a 100% on all three of them. The usual is 1 unit exam per week. Now I'm studying for my final and then will sit for the vendor exam. This will complete my web design/development courses and certifications. I'm not sure what I'll take next. I can take as many classes as I can fit in during the next nine months.
This entire week I have felt the longing to connect with something from my past. Someone or something that would help me to remember who I am. Someone who cares how my day went. I never realized how great the need is to have someone who truly knows us and loves us - just as we are. I was very fortunate as Ray was one who did that very well. Perfect he wasn't - in fact he could drive me up the wall and did on many occasion - but he was there for me. I miss that. I miss him.
OK, it is obviously after midnight as I only bare my soul after that bewitching hour. Writing it out helps me to sort it out and deal with it. This blog is my therapy. Every time I write an entry like this one I'm saving myself $110 an hour. I know because I've knelt at the altar of psychotherapy. I don't regret it but I'm glad that writing it out is just as therapeutic for me.
I'm going to do something fun this weekend.
Somehow I got an infected nail bed on my right middle finger, causing a lot of pain and finally made me go see my doctor. Medication was prescribed with the warning to watch it carefully because if the infection got to the bone they may have to remove my finger. As I lay in bed Wednesday night, unable to sleep because of the throbbing pain, I felt the loneliness of being on my own. I missed the way Ray always babied me whenever anything was wrong. I tried to think about what he would probably say and for the first time since his death, I couldn't remember the sound of his voice. That has haunted me for the rest of the week because I still can't remember. And I desperately want to remember. When I finally got to sleep it was a restless sleep. Around 4:00 a.m. I woke up with a start, feeling very funny. It took me a minute to realize that I was having an insulin reaction. As I walked to the kitchen on very unsteady legs and attempted to cut myself some cheese slices with shaking hands, again I felt the emptiness that his not being here has left with me. He always woke up before I did when I was having a low during the night and would wake me up. He'd fix whatever I needed and we would sit and talk while we waited to make sure that I had treated it sufficiently. My thoughts have traveled back to the early days of our marriage, how exciting it was and how broke we were. Then in later years dealing with the infertility and the disappointment that brought. Then the period of time when we decided to hell with it and we concentrated on building a life for the two of us and ourselves individually. We both went back to school and we did a lot of things that we had been putting off in the attempt to have a family. The phone call I got from him while he was in Nashville on yet another business trip, telling me that he was being transferred from New Orleans to Nashville - a transfer we had prayed for a long time to happen. The time just seemed to fly by. I've wondered all week about where did the years go? Now I'm on a different path - single, raising the daughter that we waited for so long. Some days I feel strong and thankful that we're doing so well. Other days it hits again like a ton of bricks that he is gone and he's not coming back. It's at those times that I find I have a hard time breathing. How can you miss someone so damn much and still keep going? This has been a lonely week. I have felt the loneliness acutely since Leah's birthday. So, this week I have tried to stay busy. I threw myself into work and got a lot of things done. I studied and took 3 unit exams today and made a 100% on all three of them. The usual is 1 unit exam per week. Now I'm studying for my final and then will sit for the vendor exam. This will complete my web design/development courses and certifications. I'm not sure what I'll take next. I can take as many classes as I can fit in during the next nine months.
This entire week I have felt the longing to connect with something from my past. Someone or something that would help me to remember who I am. Someone who cares how my day went. I never realized how great the need is to have someone who truly knows us and loves us - just as we are. I was very fortunate as Ray was one who did that very well. Perfect he wasn't - in fact he could drive me up the wall and did on many occasion - but he was there for me. I miss that. I miss him.
OK, it is obviously after midnight as I only bare my soul after that bewitching hour. Writing it out helps me to sort it out and deal with it. This blog is my therapy. Every time I write an entry like this one I'm saving myself $110 an hour. I know because I've knelt at the altar of psychotherapy. I don't regret it but I'm glad that writing it out is just as therapeutic for me.
I'm going to do something fun this weekend.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Wednesday
Leah and I have had such a busy week. We actually got home before 8:00 tonight and we both agreed that there is no place like home. The dogs are glad to be out of their kennels and are running around chasing each other and Leah is on the couch playing with her dolls and watching TV. I've got a load of clothes in the washer and am glad to not have to really think about anything for a moment.
Today at work was a late day. The church is starting a Hispanic ministry and our team had a meeting late this afternoon. I actually had to leave before the meeting was over so I could get to MAC in time to pick up Leah. There is so much to be done but I find it very exciting to see a new community form where there once wasn't one. The passion of those who have been involved in getting this started is incredible and very moving to witness. It is at times like this that I am reminded why I love working with the church. To see lives transformed is one of the most gratifying things to witness.
I took a week off from studying and now I am finding it hard to get back into the momentum that I had going. I have to go on campus this Friday and take at least one unit exam. I'd like to think that I could be ready for two of them but I'm not sure that I will be. I've got to catch back up. Once I get this third class finished I'll feel much better.
As much as I want to write more, I'm pooped and still have four chapters to read before I go on campus Friday. Maybe I'll have more energy and more to write about tomorrow.
Today at work was a late day. The church is starting a Hispanic ministry and our team had a meeting late this afternoon. I actually had to leave before the meeting was over so I could get to MAC in time to pick up Leah. There is so much to be done but I find it very exciting to see a new community form where there once wasn't one. The passion of those who have been involved in getting this started is incredible and very moving to witness. It is at times like this that I am reminded why I love working with the church. To see lives transformed is one of the most gratifying things to witness.
I took a week off from studying and now I am finding it hard to get back into the momentum that I had going. I have to go on campus this Friday and take at least one unit exam. I'd like to think that I could be ready for two of them but I'm not sure that I will be. I've got to catch back up. Once I get this third class finished I'll feel much better.
As much as I want to write more, I'm pooped and still have four chapters to read before I go on campus Friday. Maybe I'll have more energy and more to write about tomorrow.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
My New Mantra
I have a new mantra . . . "I love my dogs, I love my dogs, I love my dogs." Not so this morning. The older one, Oreo, can get on the bed and evidently he did that while I was in the shower this morning. How do I know this? Because I couldn't find my glasses and I knew I had left them on my bedside table. I've long been out of contacts and my eye doctor won't prescribe more until I come in for an eye exam therefore I am very dependent on my glasses. I asked Leah to come in and look under my bed - the grave yard for all things both of the dogs can get in their mouths. If I run out of panties, I look under the bed. Well, my glasses were under there and so was my ipod. The glasses suffered minor damage (thank goodness!) but my ipod case was in shreds and my marshmallow headphones ($20) were even worse. I try to remember to keep things put up and I usually keep my bedroom door closed. Leah, with those big brown eyes looking up at me, reminded me that "Mommy, they're just puppies." Lucky dogs. They both owe her big time.
We've been so busy. Leah turned seven on Monday and we had a little party/picnic for her at the park. She loved it. She also loves being seven. As I tucked her in bed Monday night after all the festivities, she looked at me and said, "I'm almost eight now!" Lord help me.
My sister was here over the weekend and it was a usual visit with her. I've learned to stay detached but I still feel out of balance when she leaves. As usual she had her little comments about my conservative lifestyle. She's a very liberal lesbian and I wonder if she feels like she has to put down my lifestyle. Whatever, I'm always exhausted when she leaves. Christmas wasn't that way but I think that is because her partner kept her in check. I think her partner is more comfortable with who she is and therefore doesn't feel the need to cut others down.
I've been feeling so totally out of shape lately that I decided to work with a personal trainer again. Tonight was the first night and she really worked me. I know my arms are going to be sore tomorrow. She's good though and very encouraging. I feel so much better having worked out today - it amazes me that I ever stopped. Leah and I are participating in a fitness and nutrition class. We are learning a lot and I wanted to reinforce it for her. I know the best way to do that is to do it myself so that is what I'm doing. She is in a walking club this summer and did a 3-1/2 mile hike. She also just joined a jump rope club and has her own workout routine with other kids her age. I found out tonight that my personal trainer has done a lot of research and work with childhood obesity so she had a lot of good information for me.
Not much else is going on. I'm working on my website design portfolio so I can start looking for a job in the field soon. I want to finish this last class I'm in. After that I'll take other classes that will enhance what I've already taken. I'm nervous about making a total career change but I think I'll like it once I get in a job. I have definitely pushed the envelope in getting out of my comfort zone in the last 2-1/2 years. I've done and am doing things that I never thought that I would or could. Sometimes I look back and wonder where that other person who used to be me has gone. I know if Ray were here he'd be cheering me on . . . he always encouraged me to keep growing and to keep setting new goals. I've definitely done that.
Time to get back to studying. Happy 4th!
We've been so busy. Leah turned seven on Monday and we had a little party/picnic for her at the park. She loved it. She also loves being seven. As I tucked her in bed Monday night after all the festivities, she looked at me and said, "I'm almost eight now!" Lord help me.
My sister was here over the weekend and it was a usual visit with her. I've learned to stay detached but I still feel out of balance when she leaves. As usual she had her little comments about my conservative lifestyle. She's a very liberal lesbian and I wonder if she feels like she has to put down my lifestyle. Whatever, I'm always exhausted when she leaves. Christmas wasn't that way but I think that is because her partner kept her in check. I think her partner is more comfortable with who she is and therefore doesn't feel the need to cut others down.
I've been feeling so totally out of shape lately that I decided to work with a personal trainer again. Tonight was the first night and she really worked me. I know my arms are going to be sore tomorrow. She's good though and very encouraging. I feel so much better having worked out today - it amazes me that I ever stopped. Leah and I are participating in a fitness and nutrition class. We are learning a lot and I wanted to reinforce it for her. I know the best way to do that is to do it myself so that is what I'm doing. She is in a walking club this summer and did a 3-1/2 mile hike. She also just joined a jump rope club and has her own workout routine with other kids her age. I found out tonight that my personal trainer has done a lot of research and work with childhood obesity so she had a lot of good information for me.
Not much else is going on. I'm working on my website design portfolio so I can start looking for a job in the field soon. I want to finish this last class I'm in. After that I'll take other classes that will enhance what I've already taken. I'm nervous about making a total career change but I think I'll like it once I get in a job. I have definitely pushed the envelope in getting out of my comfort zone in the last 2-1/2 years. I've done and am doing things that I never thought that I would or could. Sometimes I look back and wonder where that other person who used to be me has gone. I know if Ray were here he'd be cheering me on . . . he always encouraged me to keep growing and to keep setting new goals. I've definitely done that.
Time to get back to studying. Happy 4th!
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