Expections . . .

I have heard throughout my life the phrase, "Expect the unexpected." This last month has been a test of living that out. I don't do well with chaos - I never have and I never will. This last month has been a test of living that out as well. My beautiful, smart, and confident daughter started second grade and has done a three sixty. She comes home tired, grumpy, anxious, and distracted. Her self esteem has bottomed out and she feels like she is a "bad" student. Her normal cheerful, happy-go-lucky ways have been replaced with edginess and bouts of tears. Second grade. I had heard it was a hard year but I never expected this. I'm attempting to stay in close contact with her teacher so between the two of us we can figure out what is really going on and what we can do to help her. I miss her. I want my daughter back. But I try very hard not to let her know that. I don't want to make matters worse for her.

I have a new position at work and now have essentially three bosses. The two new ones are wonderful and we work well together. My original one? Well, he is having a hard time with the adjustment of having to "share" me. He has consistently bitten my head off at least weekly in the last month. Not about my work performance but by his feeling that I'm not protecting him from the rest of the staff. He has the image of being very scattered and now he is holding me accountable for that image and I am supposed to somehow change how he is perceived by everyone else. I am to be the "buffer" between him and the congregation and the rest of the staff. He even said I was to view myself as his personal Joan of Arc. May I see a copy of my job description please?? I don't recall that being part of it. Last week he literally got in my face and accused me of "throwing him under the bus" in front of a couple who were there to meet with him and he kept them waiting for twenty minutes. Expect the unexpected.

Last Thursday I started to not feel well. My symptoms were weird. I went in to the office late, thinking that if I allowed myself some time to rest, I'd feel better. Friday I didn't even make it in to the office I felt so bad. Saturday I could hardly get out of bed due to very stiff and sore joints. To just open and close my hands was extremely painful as was walking. By Sunday I was experiencing irregular heart beats. That always helps the fear level go several octaves higher for me. Sunday afternoon Leah looks at me and starts asking, "Mommy, if you die, the way I get to Miss Kathy's is I go out the apartment door, turn left, follow the street until the end of the fence and then what?? I'm not sure I'll know what to do if you die." My God, I never thought about those things when I was seven. Yet, I didn't lose my father suddenly at the age of four. I reassured her that I was almost certain I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but I won't tell her that I definitely won't because she specifically asked Ray if he was going to die soon the day he did die. He told her he wasn't going to die for a long time and she kissed him goodnight like always and he died twenty minutes later. Leah and I both learned at that moment that you never know for certain. Yet I don't want her to worry. But I do. Worry, that is. I feel such a responsibility to that little girl. I'm constantly asking God to please let me live long enough to see her grown and on her own. She doesn't deserve to lose both parents during her childhood.

So, as a way to help ease my own fears, I'm going to get checked out. Even though I am 98% sure I had a virus and my irregular heart beats are brought on by stress (I've had them before and that was the cause) I want to make sure. I want to be proactive. If I have a problem, fix it. Taking care of myself has always been a struggle for me. I'll take care of everyone else but not myself. It's hard to unlearn that but I'm trying. I just can't live the next 15 years of my life in fear of dying before she is grown. I've got to come to terms with what I can control and what I can't control. This is an area that truly tests my faith. Just when you think you have it all figured out, all tied up in a neat little box, expect the unexpected.

I'll admit, I've shed a lot of tears in this last month and have felt so alone that I've felt like I was either going to die or go crazy. Neither one is an option. Two weeks ago I was praying about this on my way to work. I was missing Ray so much. I needed him to help me sort out the problems Leah is having and my boss problems. I told God that I had never felt so alone and that I needed him to help me with that - to give me something tangible. No sooner had I uttered those words when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw six UPS trucks behind me. Three directly behind me in my lane and three in the right hand lane. I literally did a double take. UPS trucks always make me think of Ray as he worked for them for over 21 years. All I could think was that I was almost surrounded by UPS trucks. I came up to the light and stopped and when I looked to my left, there were two more UPS trucks in the turn lane, waiting to turn. I looked to my right and there was one more UPS truck in that lane, waiting to turn. I literally was surrounded by UPS trucks - nine of them! The only place I have ever seen 9 UPS trucks at one time has been at one of their hubs. God could not have used anything more symbolic or more tangible to remind me that I am definitely not alone. I have shared this story with many and everyone is totally blown away like I was. What a gift that was for me. Expect the unexpected.

I'm usually filled with faith, optimism, and courage but lately that has been hard for me to come by. I know to keep riding the wave, to continue to hold on. Life can turn on a dime - I know that all too well.