Random Thoughts

Things have just been so busy around here. I have started at least three different entries to post here only to be interrupted and have to leave. I thought about combining them all and just putting them into one big post, but they are so scattered I figured they wouldn't make any sense.

I have been a packing fool and am just so darned proud of myself because of everything I have given away or gotten rid of. Unpacking is going to be a breeze. I don't think I have been this uncluttered since my first apartment when Ray and I got married. It feels absolutely wonderful. By this time next week I'll be in Tennessee and I can't wait. Leah seems to be excited as well.

We had lunch at my brother's today. Bagels and salads - tuna, chicken, egg. It was pretty good. My niece and her family were there along with her mother and father-in-law. It was nice to meet them and they seemed nice. They are snowbirds and will return to New York at the end of March. I've never thought that much about the difference between southerners and northerners but there really is a big difference. Since I have lived all over the world I had always considered myself to be more of a cosmopolitan type of person but I guess because I have lived in the south all of my adult life, I've changed. As much as I hate to admit this, and I'll have to work on this, I think I have developed a prejudice since living in WPB. If given a choice, I'd rather be around someone from the south any day. I have to admit that I don't have a lot of real exposure - just my brother's family and the snowbirds that I've met here but it bothers me that I feel this way. Prejudice is just something I have worked so hard not to have (as much as possible.) I know we all have some sort of prejudice . . .

Leah is sound asleep, the puppy is sound asleep and I can't sleep. I keep thinking I could be shredding mail and documents I no longer need but I'm afraid it would wake Leah up. Packing the rest of the kitchen would probably also wake Leah up.

I keep thinking about John and how much I'm going to miss that guy. We've seen a lot of each other this past week and I have to be honest, I've had just a few second thoughts tonight. We are so well matched in so many ways and he is just a wonderful person. On the other hand the thought of living in south FL is definitely not appealing and the thought of a blended family sends me running in the opposite direction - obviously. He understood when I told him I couldn't marry him yet tonight we talked about it for a long time. He told me that he actually researched jobs in TN to see what the market was for his field. He said his only hesitation is that his father is dying of cancer and his boys have lived here all their lives. They are close to his dad and he doesn't want too much upheaval in their lives. Being a therapist, he has certainly seen the effects of that. A big part of me wants him to move to TN. I have fought falling in love with this guy because I didn't feel ready for another relationship but the truth is I have fallen in love with him. He told me tonight that he was certain if we had more time together that we'd most likely end up married. I know we would too. When Ray died I never thought that I would meet someone that I'd feel so comfortable with again. If it wasn't for John, I'd leave this place and never look back . . .

There's something about writing after midnight that makes me bare my soul. Oh well, there is nothing secretive about my life and in fact it is pretty dull. But, I have no complaints. I wouldn't trade with anyone. Good friends, one good marriage, a beautiful daughter - I couldn't ask for more.

I'm going to try once more to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll have time to blog once more before the move.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller