Wrestling Down The Fear

I had the weirdest dreams all night last night. Some were down right disturbing. I guess I woke up at least ten times and then would fall back asleep only to continue dreaming. Before going to bed I did my usual 30 minutes of sitting meditation. It was difficult as my mind kept racing - what if I don't find a new job? I don't have health insurance. What if I die before Leah is grown and on her own? What if I am ruining her for life with my crazy sense of humor and my laid back parenting style? All of these fears kept rearing their ugly heads . . . When the alarm went off this morning I was exhausted and ended up falling back asleep. Leah was fifteen minutes late for school - her first unexcused tardy since we moved here and it fueled the feeling of being a terrible parent. It's at times like this that I wonder where in the world my confidence and self esteem run off to . . . Last night the fear was so close to sheer panic . . .

Today has been a little better. When I got home from taking Leah to school I did the little bit of straightening up that needed to be done, got a load of clothes in to wash and sat down to make a grocery list. I've stayed busy - doing things that need to be done. I can hear Ray's voice in my head, "One step at a time; step one, step two, step three and so on." He was so good at bringing me back to the basics and helping me to focus on the present. He used to tell me that "What if" were the two words he would love to remove from my vocabulary. Catastrophic thinking is what my spiritual director calls it. I'll admit, I'm a master at it.

On the lighter side - Oreo is our eight month old Shih-Tzu puppy. He is absolutely adorable and has won my heart totally. He is also very mischievous. No matter how well I think I have things put up where he cannot reach them, he always seems to find a way. One of his greatest treasures is to get a pair of panties that have already been worn. It has taken me months to get Leah trained to not leave her panties on the floor or on her bed when she takes them off as Oreo always comes running out of her room with them in his mouth and then heads under my bed where it is difficult for me to reach him . He's smart - sometimes too smart for my liking. This morning after my shower I was putting on a clean pair of panties and saw that there were holes chewed in the crotch. All I could think was this was a new twist on crotchless panties. He loves to get Leah's stuffed animals and run under the bed with those as well. It drives her up the wall and again, he seems to have this uncanny ability to reach things . . . This morning I put my socks beside me on the couch for one second. The next thing I knew, Oreo was running towards my bedroom - socks in his mouth - making a dive for under my bed. He makes life interesting and when I'm in the right frame of mind, I find his antics quite cute. Leah loves him more than any other pet we've ever had too, and I love to watch the two of them play together.

Well, the items on my list aren't getting done so I'll get back to it. I still have to go to the grocery, run by the vet to get more heart worm meds and go by the leasing office before I go pick Leah up from MAC. Hopefully she has had a good day and is in a good mood.