I have been blogging for almost two years and have decided to stop. For now. Up to this point my blogs have been about my day to day activities, dealing with grief and a lot of venting. With so many changes in my life, this is just a natural progression that I no longer keep this up. If I do blog again (probably starting back in the summer) it will be a professional blog dealing with my freelance work and other professional stuff. If I do start this and if you would like to know about it, let me know and I'll send you the link once I get it up and running.
Thanks for reading, thanks for the emails and thanks for the laughs that we've shared.
Ann
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Random Thoughts
Things have just been so busy around here. I have started at least three different entries to post here only to be interrupted and have to leave. I thought about combining them all and just putting them into one big post, but they are so scattered I figured they wouldn't make any sense.
I have been a packing fool and am just so darned proud of myself because of everything I have given away or gotten rid of. Unpacking is going to be a breeze. I don't think I have been this uncluttered since my first apartment when Ray and I got married. It feels absolutely wonderful. By this time next week I'll be in Tennessee and I can't wait. Leah seems to be excited as well.
We had lunch at my brother's today. Bagels and salads - tuna, chicken, egg. It was pretty good. My niece and her family were there along with her mother and father-in-law. It was nice to meet them and they seemed nice. They are snowbirds and will return to New York at the end of March. I've never thought that much about the difference between southerners and northerners but there really is a big difference. Since I have lived all over the world I had always considered myself to be more of a cosmopolitan type of person but I guess because I have lived in the south all of my adult life, I've changed. As much as I hate to admit this, and I'll have to work on this, I think I have developed a prejudice since living in WPB. If given a choice, I'd rather be around someone from the south any day. I have to admit that I don't have a lot of real exposure - just my brother's family and the snowbirds that I've met here but it bothers me that I feel this way. Prejudice is just something I have worked so hard not to have (as much as possible.) I know we all have some sort of prejudice . . .
Leah is sound asleep, the puppy is sound asleep and I can't sleep. I keep thinking I could be shredding mail and documents I no longer need but I'm afraid it would wake Leah up. Packing the rest of the kitchen would probably also wake Leah up.
I keep thinking about John and how much I'm going to miss that guy. We've seen a lot of each other this past week and I have to be honest, I've had just a few second thoughts tonight. We are so well matched in so many ways and he is just a wonderful person. On the other hand the thought of living in south FL is definitely not appealing and the thought of a blended family sends me running in the opposite direction - obviously. He understood when I told him I couldn't marry him yet tonight we talked about it for a long time. He told me that he actually researched jobs in TN to see what the market was for his field. He said his only hesitation is that his father is dying of cancer and his boys have lived here all their lives. They are close to his dad and he doesn't want too much upheaval in their lives. Being a therapist, he has certainly seen the effects of that. A big part of me wants him to move to TN. I have fought falling in love with this guy because I didn't feel ready for another relationship but the truth is I have fallen in love with him. He told me tonight that he was certain if we had more time together that we'd most likely end up married. I know we would too. When Ray died I never thought that I would meet someone that I'd feel so comfortable with again. If it wasn't for John, I'd leave this place and never look back . . .
There's something about writing after midnight that makes me bare my soul. Oh well, there is nothing secretive about my life and in fact it is pretty dull. But, I have no complaints. I wouldn't trade with anyone. Good friends, one good marriage, a beautiful daughter - I couldn't ask for more.
I'm going to try once more to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll have time to blog once more before the move.
The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller
I have been a packing fool and am just so darned proud of myself because of everything I have given away or gotten rid of. Unpacking is going to be a breeze. I don't think I have been this uncluttered since my first apartment when Ray and I got married. It feels absolutely wonderful. By this time next week I'll be in Tennessee and I can't wait. Leah seems to be excited as well.
We had lunch at my brother's today. Bagels and salads - tuna, chicken, egg. It was pretty good. My niece and her family were there along with her mother and father-in-law. It was nice to meet them and they seemed nice. They are snowbirds and will return to New York at the end of March. I've never thought that much about the difference between southerners and northerners but there really is a big difference. Since I have lived all over the world I had always considered myself to be more of a cosmopolitan type of person but I guess because I have lived in the south all of my adult life, I've changed. As much as I hate to admit this, and I'll have to work on this, I think I have developed a prejudice since living in WPB. If given a choice, I'd rather be around someone from the south any day. I have to admit that I don't have a lot of real exposure - just my brother's family and the snowbirds that I've met here but it bothers me that I feel this way. Prejudice is just something I have worked so hard not to have (as much as possible.) I know we all have some sort of prejudice . . .
Leah is sound asleep, the puppy is sound asleep and I can't sleep. I keep thinking I could be shredding mail and documents I no longer need but I'm afraid it would wake Leah up. Packing the rest of the kitchen would probably also wake Leah up.
I keep thinking about John and how much I'm going to miss that guy. We've seen a lot of each other this past week and I have to be honest, I've had just a few second thoughts tonight. We are so well matched in so many ways and he is just a wonderful person. On the other hand the thought of living in south FL is definitely not appealing and the thought of a blended family sends me running in the opposite direction - obviously. He understood when I told him I couldn't marry him yet tonight we talked about it for a long time. He told me that he actually researched jobs in TN to see what the market was for his field. He said his only hesitation is that his father is dying of cancer and his boys have lived here all their lives. They are close to his dad and he doesn't want too much upheaval in their lives. Being a therapist, he has certainly seen the effects of that. A big part of me wants him to move to TN. I have fought falling in love with this guy because I didn't feel ready for another relationship but the truth is I have fallen in love with him. He told me tonight that he was certain if we had more time together that we'd most likely end up married. I know we would too. When Ray died I never thought that I would meet someone that I'd feel so comfortable with again. If it wasn't for John, I'd leave this place and never look back . . .
There's something about writing after midnight that makes me bare my soul. Oh well, there is nothing secretive about my life and in fact it is pretty dull. But, I have no complaints. I wouldn't trade with anyone. Good friends, one good marriage, a beautiful daughter - I couldn't ask for more.
I'm going to try once more to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll have time to blog once more before the move.
The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Uninvited Resident
Oh yeah, the flu bug is alive and well. It decided to take up residence with me on Monday. Not the way I had planned to spend the last week of my two week notice - missing half a day Monday and both Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm back at work today but everyone is giving me a wide berth because of the coughs and sniffles not to mention the icky sounding voice that has caused more than one person to ask who that was answering the phone. At least the body aches, headache and fever are gone; dispelling the thoughts that I just might be dying. I saw the doctor on Tuesday who gave me a look of distain when I admitted that I had not gotten a flu shot this winter. I didn't think I would need one in sunny, warm, tropical Florida. So, I will finish out my two week notice today and tomorrow and then I'll be the queen of packing for the next week. The moving date is quickly approaching and I'm excited. Even if the weather map showed a fifty degree difference in temperature yesterday between here and there. According to the map it also snowed there. I thought about that as I walked out of my apartment yesterday afternoon in short sleeves and shorts, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my tired body. I'd better soak it all up now.
I need to get back to work but have had a couple of complaints about not updating my blog. It's not that I haven't wanted to . . . .
I need to get back to work but have had a couple of complaints about not updating my blog. It's not that I haven't wanted to . . . .
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Sunday Again?!?
Well it's Sunday again - how quickly they seem to roll around. We actually spent most of the day with the family. We all met at the Green Market and then ended up at Duffy's for a late lunch. My SIL rode with me from the Green Market to the restaurant and talked about everything that has been causing all the tension between us. Now they are telling me they don't want us to move back to Tennessee, etc... I told them that it was a hard decision to make but I still feel that it is the best one for us. Even though we talked and I feel like we cleared the air so to speak, I still don't feel comfortable enough staying as I know that it will continue to be rocky. Our personalities are just so different. I know that Leah and I both will be happier back in the Nashville area and that is the important thing.
The weather today has been wonderful as always. Lots of sun and breezy. It was wonderful sitting outside on the patio at Duffy's. It gave the girls more room to play without disturbing other customers so that was a good thing. I have so much going on in my head right now that it is hard to get my thoughts sorted out. It is very difficult being a people pleaser as it is hard to make decisions sometimes when you know someone is going to be hurt. I think my brother and SIL are hurt that I am moving back and I hate that. However, I know that Leah and I have been hurt a lot since moving here and my top priority is her. On the bright side, as least we are clearing up the misunderstandings so that we can continue to have a relationship like we had before Leah and I moved here. I've also learned a lot about myself in the process - some of the lessons have been painful. This whole thing with them has made me feel like I am such a failure at relationships. But yet I don't seem to have problems making and keeping friends. Ray and I did better than most married couples. We had our issues but we worked through them. Today my SIL kept telling me that I misunderstood both her and my brother. Not once did she say that maybe they misunderstood some things where I am concerned. She had an answer for everything. The whole religion thing was another issue as well. She grew up with parents who were fearful of Christians because of how the Christians persecuted the Jews in Poland where her grandmother was from. She doesn't see how her long held fear has been hard for me to work around because even though she doesn't realize it, part of that fear is directed toward me. It is so hard to have a relationship where there is fear and mistrust. Anyway, it is what it is. At least the anger seems to be gone, forgiveness has been granted on both sides (I think) and now we just have to let time heal the hurts.
I've got laundry going and I've been packing boxes. I've also been getting rid of things that I haven't used. I cannot imagine what it will be like to live in a place that doesn't have so much stuff. I am looking forward to it though. This will be the first time in my life that I have not been surrounded by so much stuff. My parents were packrats, my husband was a packrat and I used to be one. Now I consider myself a reformed packrat. I feel like that when I move this time that I will have gotten rid of so much that I'll kind of be starting out with a clean slate as far as being able to decorate and that sort of thing. I'm so tired of the things that I inherited that I never did like - yet I've had a hard time getting rid of it all. Guilt is a powerful thing.
Well, it's back to work for me. Leah still needs a shampoo and bath. I think she also has some homework to finish up.
The weather today has been wonderful as always. Lots of sun and breezy. It was wonderful sitting outside on the patio at Duffy's. It gave the girls more room to play without disturbing other customers so that was a good thing. I have so much going on in my head right now that it is hard to get my thoughts sorted out. It is very difficult being a people pleaser as it is hard to make decisions sometimes when you know someone is going to be hurt. I think my brother and SIL are hurt that I am moving back and I hate that. However, I know that Leah and I have been hurt a lot since moving here and my top priority is her. On the bright side, as least we are clearing up the misunderstandings so that we can continue to have a relationship like we had before Leah and I moved here. I've also learned a lot about myself in the process - some of the lessons have been painful. This whole thing with them has made me feel like I am such a failure at relationships. But yet I don't seem to have problems making and keeping friends. Ray and I did better than most married couples. We had our issues but we worked through them. Today my SIL kept telling me that I misunderstood both her and my brother. Not once did she say that maybe they misunderstood some things where I am concerned. She had an answer for everything. The whole religion thing was another issue as well. She grew up with parents who were fearful of Christians because of how the Christians persecuted the Jews in Poland where her grandmother was from. She doesn't see how her long held fear has been hard for me to work around because even though she doesn't realize it, part of that fear is directed toward me. It is so hard to have a relationship where there is fear and mistrust. Anyway, it is what it is. At least the anger seems to be gone, forgiveness has been granted on both sides (I think) and now we just have to let time heal the hurts.
I've got laundry going and I've been packing boxes. I've also been getting rid of things that I haven't used. I cannot imagine what it will be like to live in a place that doesn't have so much stuff. I am looking forward to it though. This will be the first time in my life that I have not been surrounded by so much stuff. My parents were packrats, my husband was a packrat and I used to be one. Now I consider myself a reformed packrat. I feel like that when I move this time that I will have gotten rid of so much that I'll kind of be starting out with a clean slate as far as being able to decorate and that sort of thing. I'm so tired of the things that I inherited that I never did like - yet I've had a hard time getting rid of it all. Guilt is a powerful thing.
Well, it's back to work for me. Leah still needs a shampoo and bath. I think she also has some homework to finish up.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Fantastic Friday
I don't think today could be any better. I dropped Leah off at school this morning and she was in a great mood, looking forward to her day. The puppy is at the Vet getting his stitches out and then will get a bath and a haircut. It is beautiful weatherwise - lots of sunshine and the ever present breeze. Today is expected to be about 82 degrees. To top it off, it's Friday!
I'm getting more excited as we get nearer to our moving date. I cannot wait to get back home. Our apartment complex there sounds like it is going to be nice. They have a playground that Leah can enjoy and they have what they call their Bark Park for Oreo. A place for both of my "children" to play - you can't beat that! Moving up at the beginning of spring is something I am looking forward to as well as I love the springs there. Oh let's face it, I could fill this entire blog entry with the things I am looking forward to about getting back home. Even with all of that the most important thing to me is getting back close to my friends. Gosh how I have missed them! I can't wait for Kathy to get here and am looking forward to our road trip together. I've already warned her that she is going to get the biggest hug of her life when she gets off that airplane. I've missed her the most. I could write another entire blog entry just on Kathy and John alone and what they have taught me about friendship and faith. Ray and I talked often about how enriched and blessed our lives had been having them as friends. Mine contines to be. Truly good friends like them are hard to come by.
This weekend is going to be a big packing and sorting through stuff weekend. If I can get rid of even more things than I did before I left Nashville it will be a good thing. The lighter I travel the better I'll like it. It will be much easier to settle in to our new apartment if I don't have as much stuff. I'm learning not to be a pack rat - thank goodness! I am beginning to see just how much healthier it is not to have so much stuff. This is one time I'm glad to have a big dumpster in our parking lot - it will hold a lot of things that I no longer need to hold on to.
Well, it's about time to go pick Leah up and get this weekend started.
I'm getting more excited as we get nearer to our moving date. I cannot wait to get back home. Our apartment complex there sounds like it is going to be nice. They have a playground that Leah can enjoy and they have what they call their Bark Park for Oreo. A place for both of my "children" to play - you can't beat that! Moving up at the beginning of spring is something I am looking forward to as well as I love the springs there. Oh let's face it, I could fill this entire blog entry with the things I am looking forward to about getting back home. Even with all of that the most important thing to me is getting back close to my friends. Gosh how I have missed them! I can't wait for Kathy to get here and am looking forward to our road trip together. I've already warned her that she is going to get the biggest hug of her life when she gets off that airplane. I've missed her the most. I could write another entire blog entry just on Kathy and John alone and what they have taught me about friendship and faith. Ray and I talked often about how enriched and blessed our lives had been having them as friends. Mine contines to be. Truly good friends like them are hard to come by.
This weekend is going to be a big packing and sorting through stuff weekend. If I can get rid of even more things than I did before I left Nashville it will be a good thing. The lighter I travel the better I'll like it. It will be much easier to settle in to our new apartment if I don't have as much stuff. I'm learning not to be a pack rat - thank goodness! I am beginning to see just how much healthier it is not to have so much stuff. This is one time I'm glad to have a big dumpster in our parking lot - it will hold a lot of things that I no longer need to hold on to.
Well, it's about time to go pick Leah up and get this weekend started.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Lessons From Unexpected Sources
This morning started out like so many others for me - I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. When I woke up and looked at the clock the usual dread gripped me as I rushed out of bed, telling Leah it was time to get up as I ran to the shower. This was the morning of the "fast shower" - shampoo the hair and use whatever suds rolled down on my body as soap. I call it the three minute shower. As I opened the shower door and reached for my towel, I once again called out to Leah that it was time to get up. I brushed my teeth and hair, knowing my hair was going to have to dry on its own today - no time for the blow dryer. I was dressed by the time Leah got out of the bathroom. Even though I was rushing her along, I marveled at her ability to go with the flow and be happy. She was able to get ready while still engaging in the things around her, mainly our silly puppy who makes her laugh with his antics. This morning was no different. He tugged at her socks as she tried to put them on and her giggles were contagious. It made me slow down and realize that we would be ok. As she tied her shoes, Oreo untied them and then would jump at her shoes and bark. He is just so silly and so full of personality. She always puts him in his kennel before we leave and I noticed how she hugs him tight and says "We'll be back, I promise." She then kisses the top of his head as she gently puts him in. He wags his tail and licks her hand as she lets go and closes the door. It is a morning ritual that is touching - and one that I so often overlook. Once in the car she chatted happily about what they were supposed to do in school today to celebrate 100 days of school. She talked about her friends at the JCC and how she hoped they would be able to play Ga Ga again today as she loved that game and has become really good at it. I don't know why I was more attuned to her today that usual, but her joy is what struck me. She is a truly happy and joyful person. She finds the good, the positive, and goes with that. She has always done that - even as a baby. It has completely turned my day around as I decided to follow her lead. How does that go . . . "And a little child shall lead them?"
Monday, February 4, 2008
A New Week
It is a typical Sunday night here. Leah is asleep, I have clothes in the dryer and I just finished cleaning the kitchen. I've got tomorrow's supper planned out with the help of the crock pot, fruit is washed for breakfast and the table is set. Before I go to bed clothes will be laid out for both of us. Unless I over sleep, tomorrow morning should be easy. I feel like I've been on a roll because all of my bills are paid, and I've done some packing for the move this weekend. When I looked at the calendar earlier, I realized that I only have two more weekends to pack before my furniture is picked up. I have such a sense of relief to be leaving here. I cannot deny that it is beautiful here and I've enjoyed it overall but it just isn't home.
Leah and I went to the barbeque at church tonight and had a great time. I will definitely miss this church. It is one of a kind. Never have I felt so at home so quickly with a congregation. John and I had a chance to sit and talk for awhile and that was a good thing. I am going to miss that man. He is a gentle soul that has a genuine love of people. I watched him tonight as he helped in the kitchen then mingled through the crowd, helping our older members get refills on drinks, bringing them extra napkins and their dessert. He is just one of those people that you can't help but love.
Even though I am tired and my body is a bit on the achy side tonight, I still have a sense of contentment. Things are going well and life is good.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Leah and I went to the barbeque at church tonight and had a great time. I will definitely miss this church. It is one of a kind. Never have I felt so at home so quickly with a congregation. John and I had a chance to sit and talk for awhile and that was a good thing. I am going to miss that man. He is a gentle soul that has a genuine love of people. I watched him tonight as he helped in the kitchen then mingled through the crowd, helping our older members get refills on drinks, bringing them extra napkins and their dessert. He is just one of those people that you can't help but love.
Even though I am tired and my body is a bit on the achy side tonight, I still have a sense of contentment. Things are going well and life is good.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, February 1, 2008
February already
Friday night - thank God! I'm grumpy tonight. I think I'm just tired. My sister called last night and we ended up talking close to two hours (until after midnight) - a record for us. It was a very good conversation.
This morning I met with the moving company rep and it will be cheaper for me to move back than it was for me to move here. I'm thrilled about that. I'm all for saving money when and where I can. This move will be a lot easier because I don't have all the other stuff that I had in Nashville that I had to find something to do with. I'm going to go through my stuff again and what I haven't used since I've been here is going to be donated or thrown away. The less I move with the easier it will be on both ends.
I want to say I'm so excited about this move but I was so excited about the move down here. Things definitely didn't turn out the way I had hoped or envisioned. While I am looking forward to getting back I am sad that things didn't go better with my brother and his wife. I called my brother last night and he still isn't in the mood to do much communicating with me. I feel like I have done everything in my power to right the wrongs that they think I did and they aren't budging. Our conversation (or lack of it) last night helped confirm that I have made the right decision to leave.
Maybe I'll be cheerier tomorrow and have more to write about. Right now I just want to pack a few boxes so I feel like I've started and then relax for the rest of the night.
This morning I met with the moving company rep and it will be cheaper for me to move back than it was for me to move here. I'm thrilled about that. I'm all for saving money when and where I can. This move will be a lot easier because I don't have all the other stuff that I had in Nashville that I had to find something to do with. I'm going to go through my stuff again and what I haven't used since I've been here is going to be donated or thrown away. The less I move with the easier it will be on both ends.
I want to say I'm so excited about this move but I was so excited about the move down here. Things definitely didn't turn out the way I had hoped or envisioned. While I am looking forward to getting back I am sad that things didn't go better with my brother and his wife. I called my brother last night and he still isn't in the mood to do much communicating with me. I feel like I have done everything in my power to right the wrongs that they think I did and they aren't budging. Our conversation (or lack of it) last night helped confirm that I have made the right decision to leave.
Maybe I'll be cheerier tomorrow and have more to write about. Right now I just want to pack a few boxes so I feel like I've started and then relax for the rest of the night.
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