Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Moving, Moving, Moving

I think I'm going to win the award for having the plainest (and ugliest) blog. Since starting this new one I have done nothing with it except write. No links, no music, just words. Also, I've had no prolific moments so my writing has been about dull, every day stuff. Maybe someday soon all of that will change but until then . . . .

I'm rolling right along with the details of this move. I've given my notice at work. I'm glad to have that aspect complete. I never have an easy time leaving a job. I think they'll hardly miss me as I will have worked here only 3 months and the position was created for me but still, it is never easy for me to tell someone that I'm leaving. I feel like I am breaking a promise. The agent from the moving company will meet me at my apartment at 9 a.m. Friday morning to look at my junk and give me my guaranteed price quote. I'll be glad to have the actual pick up date nailed down so I can schedule everything else around that. When I moved down here I was so stressed and nervous about the whole thing but this time I just feel more matter-of-fact. I guess because I just did this six months ago makes a difference too - I know more what I am doing. There is a part of me that gets an adrenaline rush from the upheaval of moving. I think part of it is just the idea of yet another new start. While I'm going back to the Nashville area, I won't be in the same community so I will have to learn my way around this new part of town. Making new friends is always exciting for me but I will be so glad to get back to the friends that I left. I am especially thrilled that I'll live so close to Kathy. I want to say that Kathy is more like a sister to me but with the luck I've had with family lately I hesitate to equate her with family so I'll just leave it as one of my closest friends. There have only been two moves that I've actually looked forward to in my life; the first one was when we left New Orleans and moved to Nashville the first time and this is the second one. Even Leah is catching my excitement as every night before she falls asleep she asks me how many more days before we move. I think the fact that I will be happier will make her happier. I have promised her a trip back to Dodson Chapel where she went for after school care so she can go see her old friends. She is definitely looking forward to that.

It is another beautiful day here. In the low 70s and lots of sunshine. Leah should have lots of outside play today as they try to get the kids out at every opportunity. Last night she was tired because they played outside so much. I can't wait until my lunch break so I can go soak up some of the nice weather.

Well, I'm going to take advantage of this down time and go work with the Dreamweaver tutorial. If I can grasp how it works it will be one more thing I can add to my resume.

Monday, January 28, 2008

The Only Parent

I had been at work about two hours this morning when the school nurse called to tell me Leah was in the clinic complaining of an upset stomach. This is when I really feel being the only parent. I had to leave work and go pick her up and stay home with her today. Fortunately she seems to feel better after some soup for lunch and resting a little on the couch. Because she refused to eat breakfast this morning I personally think she was just hungry. I usually make her at least eat a cereal bar in the car but I was out of them this morning.

One of my co-workers asked if a member of my family couldn't go get her but as I told her, they don't want to babysit a sick child. That's when I told her that I no longer refer to myself as a single parent but as an only parent. After a moment you could see the light bulb go on in her head. She agreed that even if I were divorced that at least my ex could help care for her. It makes it difficult in terms of working full time but hopefully my performance helps to make up for the times I have to be out when she is sick. At least at the moment I'm not too worried about it as I'll be giving my notice in a week. Unlike when I moved down here, I am going to take the last week before I leave off instead of trying to work until the moment I get on the interstate. When I was in the process of moving here, I counted down the days in terms of how many days until the move was over. This time I'm counting down the days until I'm back home. A very big difference. I don't think I'm going to budge out of Tennessee once I get back. I did not come close to realizing how much that place became home to me over the past 10 years. I've moved all of my life and have never had a problem getting settled but this time has been difficult. I have met people here that I will miss but I have a lot of people that I can't wait to see again.

I'm going to take advantage of this unexpected time at home and get some things done.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Ending Another Weekend

I can't believe it is already Sunday afternoon. This weekend has absolutely flown by. The puppy is home and doing fine. He has to wear one of those cones to keep him from chewing on the stitches but he has adjusted to it pretty well. He was very glad to get home and we were certainly glad to get him home. The place seemed quiet without him.

Friday afternoon I signed the lease on our new apartment in TN. I can't believe how easy it was to make the transfer from this complex to one in another state. They did everything by fax and telephone. All I have to do when I get there is go by and pick up the keys. Amazing. Sitting in church this morning was the first time I've had any second thoughts about my decision to move back. I love the pastors of this church, I love their vision, I love the diversity, I just love this church. The ministerial staff is strong but the support staff is not. I was thinking how much I love working with the pastors of this church but the reality of it is I work mainly with the support staff and not the pastors, thus making my day to day reality different. As I sat there I thought about what all this church has to look forward to; a new sanctuary, etc.... and I wondered if I made the right decision. As I pondered this it occurred to me that God is with me and directing my life in West Palm Beach and in Tennessee - it really doesn't matter where I live. Again, I was seeing only what was in front of me and not seeing the big picture. God can use me no matter where I live as long as I stay open to his Spirit. The peace about my decision returned. In four short weeks we'll be back in the colder climate, the rolling hills and back among friends. That is what I have missed most of all - my friends. Never again will I take them for granted and think that they are not as important as they are. I gave up a lot when I moved here - more than I realized. I'm just glad that I didn't stay away so long that I've lost touch with them.

Well, laundry is calling as is the need to spend time with Leah. Maybe I'll find time to write more later today - if not, during the week to be sure.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Moving Right Along

Well, today I was very caught up at work and found myself a wee bit on the bored side. Taking advantage of the situation, I made a few telephone calls with a move back to the Nashville area in mind. It turns out that my lease is transferable to any apartment complex there that is owned by the same company that I rent from now and there are quite a few. I found the one that I like the most that is in the area I want to live in. Next I checked the conference job board and found that they have five jobs posted that I would be qualified for. I have some good references and some good experience on my resume so I'm optimistic that one of them would pan out for me. All I feel is a tremendous sense of relief at the thought of getting back home. The only people who know about this are those of you who read my blog. My family has no idea. I'm not sure when I'll tell them. Not too soon, that's for sure. I really can't wait to get moved. This is the way Ray and I felt when we were finally getting out of South Louisiana. We were so excited and could not wait to get moved. Neither one of us regretted the move one bit. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this section of the country is not for me.

Tomorrow is Friday - yipee! I love the weekends again. Leah and I have a lot to do but it will be fun. I try to always include things she will enjoy like the playground, shopping, etc....

I'm in the midst of reading a sequel to a book I just finished. I think I'm going to get in PJs and do a little reading before going to bed. Hopefully I'll write more tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Another Day

Leah is watching her last TV show of the evening while her hair dries a little bit more. Yes, it is past her bedtime but sometimes getting everything in that needs to be done is easier said than done. These days I just concentrate on the most important things and then work down the list. At least she is clean, her hair is shampooed and her homework is done.

Today I met with the speech therapist and her teacher at the school. The state of Florida is so wacky the way they do things in their educational system. Because she is not pronouncing the sh, ch, and j sounds clearly, she has been labeled as having a disability. That is the only way she can get speech therapy in the school system. She is also labeled as gifted because of how she has scored on all of her assessment tests. I wasn't overly impressed with the speech therapist - especially since she was running late and was almost 45 minutes late for our scheduled appointment. On the other hand, as long as she is a good speech therapist and can get Leah's problem corrected, I'll be happy.

It's been a busy week so far even if Monday was a holiday. Leah is feeling it too because this morning she asked me how many days until Friday. This Friday the puppy goes in to be neutered. Leah is already missing him. Those two are quite a pair. Whenever we are home, Oreo pretty much stays wherever she is. He'll come to me for some loving, but he is definitely attached to Le.

I don't have a lot to say tonight but just wanted to update. I have felt so much more relaxed since I made the decision to move back to TN. Things here aren't bothering me as much because I know I won't be here forever. I was nervous about moving here but all I feel about moving back is relief.

OK, I'm off to bed.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Mid-Life Crisis Anyone????

Maybe it's my age, but for the past year or so I have increasingly taken on the attitude of "not settling." I feel like someone who is on a mission - looking for my hearts desire. Sometimes this journey is exciting and at other times it is long and tedious. I know I am not unique in my tendency to do what I think others (society, family, etc...) think I should do and I have become quite adept at ignoring that little voice inside that attempts to lead me. Call it intuition or God; I believe it is both. As hard as it is for me to admit, I have really struggled over the past five months. While it is absolutely beautiful here and I have enjoyed finding my way around and experiencing new things, there is a restlessness within me that won't be ignored. I think about Ray and how all of his life he kept putting off his dreams while he pursued what he thought he was "supposed" to do. A week after he died, I found a small piece of paper in his top dresser drawer that had written on it "Things I want to do before I die." As I read his list of seven things, I felt such a sense of sadness that he never did a single one. Maybe I'm in the midst of a mid-life crisis but I don't want to come to the end of my life and say "If only I'd had the courage and/or the faith to follow the path that my soul really wanted me to take."

I'll not deny that Ray's death started me on a journey that I never expected to take. Sometimes it scares me half to death and at other times I feel more alive than I have in years. The real issue is how to balance the two. I have always wanted to live in a coastal town and now I do. Obviously I started on my path without realizing it. But when I moved here I thought I'd live here for the rest of my life. I immediately put limitations on what was to come. Gradually I have come to realize that I don't need these self-imposed limitations. Just because my family lives here doesn't mean that I have to stay here forever. Moving here has taught me many things but the number one thing I have learned is that the only permanent thing is God. As my faith continues to grow and my belief that God gave me my life as a gift I have a new sense of freedom. I have been one that has always been "taken care of." Ray always made it his priority to take care of me and then Leah once she was born. I realize now that I have continued to search for someone to step in and continue that role and that played a significant part in my decision to move closer to family. What a revelation it has been to me to realize that God has equipped me with everything I need to take care of myself (and Leah) plus he has given me many wonderful friends to help and support us when we need it. This may sound so elementary to anyone else but it is a HUGE thing for me to grasp and start to live out. It brings with it a tremendous sense of freedom and peace. Ray always told me that he would trust my gut instincts any day over what seemed to be. Now I feel the same way.

Today was a holiday from work and Leah wanted to go to the JCC for the day. I took the dog to the groomer so I had several hours to be alone and to just think. Today I realized that I CAN follow my hearts desire AND still take care of myself and Leah. I finally feel strong enough and my faith is strong enough that I'm not going to "settle" for what goes against what I believe is right for us. I have some course corrections to make. I finally admitted to myself that this is not where I want to be. This city is not where I want to raise my child. Did I make a mistake by moving here? I realized today that no, I didn't. I've learned so much how could it possibly be seen as a mistake? We'll stay until the end of the school year and probably most of the summer. After that - I can't wait to get home.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Well, you never know . . .

My mother always told me to never say never as whatever you say never to always comes to be. The last time I sang in a church choir I swore I'd never do it again. You know the old saying that the devil gets in the church through the choir - well the last choir I sang with I believe that was true. However, our music director has been bugging me to join the choir and I've been putting him off with one excuse after another. Yesterday he mentioned it again and for whatever reason, "I'll be there for practice tomorrow night" just popped out of my mouth. I deposited Leah in the childcare area and took my time going to the choir room. I was so surprised to be greeted by the choir hostess who already had my folder, my robe, and all of my music together for me. When I walked into the sanctuary to practice, who would be the choir president but a fellow staff person that I didn't even know sang in the choir. As I looked around I saw many familiar faces of people that I have come to know during the last four months. In a way, it was like coming home. Rehearsal was fun and I had forgotten how much I love to sing. After the second song it was as if I had never left the choir; it was all coming back to me. I loved the fact that they took time to share prayer requests and had a short devotional followed by a short time of prayer. It was very uplifting. So, as my mother always said, never say never.

Thank you Kim, for encouraging me to continue blogging. I really have missed it. Not that I blog about anything of any relevance, but at least it does keep some of you up to date on what all is happening with Leah and me.

Leah and I continue to find more things about West Palm that we like. On the weekends we explore new places and take part in a lot of the family activities that the community offers. We both love the weather right now - in the 70's and sunny.We take a lot of walks and she rides her scooter a lot. Hot dogs are a big thing down here and we have found a few local hot dog stands that we frequent from time to time. We love the library and the fact that it is located right on the inter- coastal waterway. It's very different here and I am so glad that we've had this opportunity to experience it.

Tomorrow is Friday (I'm so glad!) so it is a day of jeans for both of us. She hates wearing the school uniforms and I get tired of having to "dress up". In Nashville, jeans were very acceptable and believe me, I took advantage of that. Here I have to dress professionally.

It's late but I just needed to write a little bit. Blogging is a lot cheaper than therapy!


Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed
- Storm Jameson


Sunday, January 13, 2008

Too stressed to blog . . .

I appreciate the fact that many of you have told me that you miss my writing daily on my blog. It has been hard for me to blog after my brother and his wife became so angry about my saying that my sister-in-law is anti-Christian. Apologies and explanations of why I felt that way have not been enough. After a few weeks of this, getting the cold shoulder and then the ultimate - my brother calling me Thursday evening to tell me how disappointed he was in me and how I was wrong about the anti-Christian remark I decided to hell with it, I'll blog if I want to and yes, I'll vent if I want to. So, right or wrong, I'm back. The ironic thing is I gave my brother my blog address two years ago when I first created the blog and he had absolutely no interest in it what-so-ever. So when my sister-in-law and niece started reading my blog, I was a little surprised. Turned out I wasn't telling my sister-in-law every detail of my life so she found the address and started reading, according to my niece. I purposely was not ugly or mean, I was just writing about the difficulties of adjusting to each other and how the difference in religious beliefs was making it even more difficult. It has certainly created a stink, one that my sister-in-law in particular is not ready to let go of no matter how I apologize. Now I'm to the point I don't care anymore.

On to other subjects -- my job is going well, better than I could have hoped even. Last week I was called in and found out that the
SPRC and the pastors decided that they wanted to use more of my skills and talents so I was promoted, I guess you could say. I couldn't be more pleased. I am very excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.

My sister became a grandmother for the third time this past Monday. My niece gave birth to a girl - I can't remember her first name as it is very unique. Her big sister and brother are thrilled, according to
grandmom. Everyone is doing well.

Leah's spring softball season will start again in about two weeks. I think she is looking forward to it. Her favorite still is her tumbling class. That new session begins next week and I took advantage of a special and signed her up for two classes a week. They had a deal where she takes one class at full price and the second at 50% off. Since Leah loves it so much I thought it would be good for her. When softball ends in April, I'm going to try to move her into an indoor activity that she can do during the extremely hot summer months.

The puppy continues to grow and is just so cute. The three of us have bonded very well. Leah and I enjoy his playfulness and his many antics - he is very lively and loves to play. I think the fact that he is a small dog really makes Leah more comfortable. She can still pick him up and carry him around. This morning when I got out of the shower she had put one of her shirts on him and he just took it in stride. He did look silly and Leah couldn't stop laughing which made me laugh.

One more Leah story . . . . Friday evening when we were driving home, Leah decided to play a game with me that she hasn't played since she was about . . . oh . . . three or so. From the back seat comes the question, "What's this sound Mommy?" and she meows like a cat. This goes on through about 5 animal sounds. Then she asks me again, "What's this sound Mommy?" I hear nothing. Absolute silence. So I answered, "Silence." With a giggle she tells me, "No silly, that's a tree." She does keep me smiling.

It's late and we are going to church so I'd better sign off here. It feels good to blog again. I'll try not to hurt any feelings this time.

I leave you with this:


Triumphs without difficulties are empty. Indeed, it is difficulties that make the triumph. It is no feat to travel the smooth road.
Source Unknown

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Short entry

Well, I just erased my entire entry that I spent 20 minutes writing. I'll need to pull out my journal and write tonight as I was venting about little things that are bugging me. I didn't realize how much things have built up for me!

So, I'll keep this entry light and brief. It's a new year - one that I hope holds many good things for all of us. Today marked the end of my first month on the new job. December 31 marked the end of my fourth month of living here. Le has had a wonderful time in "winter camp" and is kind of bummed about regular school starting back on Monday.

I've been missing Ray like crazy but at least now the grief has lessened considerably. I guess I'll never ring in a new year and not feel a little sadness. He loved New Year's Eve and always made a big deal over it - at home. We always had fun.

Well, laundry is calling me and the other usual nighttime activities that need to be done before I can go to bed. Hopefully I will have more time to blog over the weekend.