Mid-Life Crisis Anyone????

Maybe it's my age, but for the past year or so I have increasingly taken on the attitude of "not settling." I feel like someone who is on a mission - looking for my hearts desire. Sometimes this journey is exciting and at other times it is long and tedious. I know I am not unique in my tendency to do what I think others (society, family, etc...) think I should do and I have become quite adept at ignoring that little voice inside that attempts to lead me. Call it intuition or God; I believe it is both. As hard as it is for me to admit, I have really struggled over the past five months. While it is absolutely beautiful here and I have enjoyed finding my way around and experiencing new things, there is a restlessness within me that won't be ignored. I think about Ray and how all of his life he kept putting off his dreams while he pursued what he thought he was "supposed" to do. A week after he died, I found a small piece of paper in his top dresser drawer that had written on it "Things I want to do before I die." As I read his list of seven things, I felt such a sense of sadness that he never did a single one. Maybe I'm in the midst of a mid-life crisis but I don't want to come to the end of my life and say "If only I'd had the courage and/or the faith to follow the path that my soul really wanted me to take."

I'll not deny that Ray's death started me on a journey that I never expected to take. Sometimes it scares me half to death and at other times I feel more alive than I have in years. The real issue is how to balance the two. I have always wanted to live in a coastal town and now I do. Obviously I started on my path without realizing it. But when I moved here I thought I'd live here for the rest of my life. I immediately put limitations on what was to come. Gradually I have come to realize that I don't need these self-imposed limitations. Just because my family lives here doesn't mean that I have to stay here forever. Moving here has taught me many things but the number one thing I have learned is that the only permanent thing is God. As my faith continues to grow and my belief that God gave me my life as a gift I have a new sense of freedom. I have been one that has always been "taken care of." Ray always made it his priority to take care of me and then Leah once she was born. I realize now that I have continued to search for someone to step in and continue that role and that played a significant part in my decision to move closer to family. What a revelation it has been to me to realize that God has equipped me with everything I need to take care of myself (and Leah) plus he has given me many wonderful friends to help and support us when we need it. This may sound so elementary to anyone else but it is a HUGE thing for me to grasp and start to live out. It brings with it a tremendous sense of freedom and peace. Ray always told me that he would trust my gut instincts any day over what seemed to be. Now I feel the same way.

Today was a holiday from work and Leah wanted to go to the JCC for the day. I took the dog to the groomer so I had several hours to be alone and to just think. Today I realized that I CAN follow my hearts desire AND still take care of myself and Leah. I finally feel strong enough and my faith is strong enough that I'm not going to "settle" for what goes against what I believe is right for us. I have some course corrections to make. I finally admitted to myself that this is not where I want to be. This city is not where I want to raise my child. Did I make a mistake by moving here? I realized today that no, I didn't. I've learned so much how could it possibly be seen as a mistake? We'll stay until the end of the school year and probably most of the summer. After that - I can't wait to get home.