Thursday, August 28, 2008

Expections . . .

I have heard throughout my life the phrase, "Expect the unexpected." This last month has been a test of living that out. I don't do well with chaos - I never have and I never will. This last month has been a test of living that out as well. My beautiful, smart, and confident daughter started second grade and has done a three sixty. She comes home tired, grumpy, anxious, and distracted. Her self esteem has bottomed out and she feels like she is a "bad" student. Her normal cheerful, happy-go-lucky ways have been replaced with edginess and bouts of tears. Second grade. I had heard it was a hard year but I never expected this. I'm attempting to stay in close contact with her teacher so between the two of us we can figure out what is really going on and what we can do to help her. I miss her. I want my daughter back. But I try very hard not to let her know that. I don't want to make matters worse for her.

I have a new position at work and now have essentially three bosses. The two new ones are wonderful and we work well together. My original one? Well, he is having a hard time with the adjustment of having to "share" me. He has consistently bitten my head off at least weekly in the last month. Not about my work performance but by his feeling that I'm not protecting him from the rest of the staff. He has the image of being very scattered and now he is holding me accountable for that image and I am supposed to somehow change how he is perceived by everyone else. I am to be the "buffer" between him and the congregation and the rest of the staff. He even said I was to view myself as his personal Joan of Arc. May I see a copy of my job description please?? I don't recall that being part of it. Last week he literally got in my face and accused me of "throwing him under the bus" in front of a couple who were there to meet with him and he kept them waiting for twenty minutes. Expect the unexpected.

Last Thursday I started to not feel well. My symptoms were weird. I went in to the office late, thinking that if I allowed myself some time to rest, I'd feel better. Friday I didn't even make it in to the office I felt so bad. Saturday I could hardly get out of bed due to very stiff and sore joints. To just open and close my hands was extremely painful as was walking. By Sunday I was experiencing irregular heart beats. That always helps the fear level go several octaves higher for me. Sunday afternoon Leah looks at me and starts asking, "Mommy, if you die, the way I get to Miss Kathy's is I go out the apartment door, turn left, follow the street until the end of the fence and then what?? I'm not sure I'll know what to do if you die." My God, I never thought about those things when I was seven. Yet, I didn't lose my father suddenly at the age of four. I reassured her that I was almost certain I wasn't going to die anytime soon, but I won't tell her that I definitely won't because she specifically asked Ray if he was going to die soon the day he did die. He told her he wasn't going to die for a long time and she kissed him goodnight like always and he died twenty minutes later. Leah and I both learned at that moment that you never know for certain. Yet I don't want her to worry. But I do. Worry, that is. I feel such a responsibility to that little girl. I'm constantly asking God to please let me live long enough to see her grown and on her own. She doesn't deserve to lose both parents during her childhood.

So, as a way to help ease my own fears, I'm going to get checked out. Even though I am 98% sure I had a virus and my irregular heart beats are brought on by stress (I've had them before and that was the cause) I want to make sure. I want to be proactive. If I have a problem, fix it. Taking care of myself has always been a struggle for me. I'll take care of everyone else but not myself. It's hard to unlearn that but I'm trying. I just can't live the next 15 years of my life in fear of dying before she is grown. I've got to come to terms with what I can control and what I can't control. This is an area that truly tests my faith. Just when you think you have it all figured out, all tied up in a neat little box, expect the unexpected.

I'll admit, I've shed a lot of tears in this last month and have felt so alone that I've felt like I was either going to die or go crazy. Neither one is an option. Two weeks ago I was praying about this on my way to work. I was missing Ray so much. I needed him to help me sort out the problems Leah is having and my boss problems. I told God that I had never felt so alone and that I needed him to help me with that - to give me something tangible. No sooner had I uttered those words when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw six UPS trucks behind me. Three directly behind me in my lane and three in the right hand lane. I literally did a double take. UPS trucks always make me think of Ray as he worked for them for over 21 years. All I could think was that I was almost surrounded by UPS trucks. I came up to the light and stopped and when I looked to my left, there were two more UPS trucks in the turn lane, waiting to turn. I looked to my right and there was one more UPS truck in that lane, waiting to turn. I literally was surrounded by UPS trucks - nine of them! The only place I have ever seen 9 UPS trucks at one time has been at one of their hubs. God could not have used anything more symbolic or more tangible to remind me that I am definitely not alone. I have shared this story with many and everyone is totally blown away like I was. What a gift that was for me. Expect the unexpected.

I'm usually filled with faith, optimism, and courage but lately that has been hard for me to come by. I know to keep riding the wave, to continue to hold on. Life can turn on a dime - I know that all too well.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

It's all good

It has been a good day. I've been surrounded by good friends, good co-workers, nice people, an adorable daughter and two cute puppies. I've had stimulating work to do that kept me busy and made me feel productive and like I was contributing something good to others. I had good lunch company and great conversation. I came home tonight and was lucky enough to converse with some wonderful neighbors and then I spent a half an hour talking to a close friend on the telephone. I even got flowers at work today - how cool is that?? Leah and I curled up together and talked about her day and her fears about starting second grade. Having that time with her is worth everything to me. Having a close relationship with her is something that I cherish. I'm grateful for where I am right now. I'm in a good place all the way around; emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week. One that, for some reason, I have to relearn from time to time. Ray always told me that I had amazing instincts and that he would trust my gut feelings any day over anything else. I've had a "gut" feeling about someone in my life for awhile now but started to second guess myself this week. I've always believed that to truly know someone you should watch what they do and not necessarily listen to what they say. So, this week I sat back and just observed how this person acted. In no way did it match up to what he said. I really wanted to believe what he said because it was what I wanted but after observing his actions (or lack of them) I realized that my instincts were true. I realized that if this person really loved me as he has said that he does, his actions would be way different. I'm glad I've finally realized the truth (by his actions, not his words) because now I am able to move on. It has been very liberating for me. I now know that this person is not the right one for me (I've known it in my head for awhile, it has just taken my heart some time to catch up) and I look forward to meeting the one who is right for me. It scares me to think that I was so close to settling for someone who would bring me down instead of bringing out the best in me. Someone who wanted to change me to be what he wanted and not accept who I am. I almost compromised my faith for this person. I'm so glad that I didn't.

I've got work to do so I'll sign off for now.

Friday, August 1, 2008

More Life Lessons

OK, I am learning so much about myself. This week I learned:

I should never have possession of the remote control after midnight when my credit cards are close by. Yes, I bought a hair straightener for Leah that was over $100. After some sleep and buyers remorse my only thoughts are it better do the job they promised it would. It does have a 30 day guarantee . . .

I am like my father in the sense that if a little is good a lot is better. I over did it with the exercising and could barely get out of bed this morning. I have to remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day nor will I get buff in a day (or in this lifetime for that matter!)

I'm still good at hopscotch. My daughter challenged me to a game earlier this week and we both were amazed that I was actually able to hop and bend over at relatively the same time!

I have definitely become more mechanically inclined. I not only fixed a laptop that belonged to my boss (oh yeah, I earned some brownie points!) and I put together a pre-fab bookcase. That may not sound like a lot to you, but for me it is definitely big steps in the right direction!

All joking aside, it has been a busy week. I started my new position today in Connectional Ministries and I can tell that I'm going to like it. I also scheduled my final national exam for the last web design class. I scored a 100% on all of my exams and my final, so I feel confident that I'll do well on the national exam. After that, I'm not sure where I'll go class wise. It is going to be harder now that I'm working full time but I still have flexibility that will allow me to continue. I just don't know what direction I want to go in. I probably need to talk to my instructor.

I'm feeling more settled here. I love my job, I love my apartment, I love Leah's school and I'm making new friends. I'm so glad I decided to move back. Florida just wasn't the place for me. Leah seems happy too. I'm lucky that she is still young enough that as long as she is with me, she'll be happy.

It's late, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be another busy day. We plan on hitting the farmer's market early and the apartment really needs a good cleaning not to mention the mounds of dirty clothes that need to be laundered. Add to that studying and the work that I brought home to do and I'll definitely be busy.